Professional jealousy.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Television programs

You know what scares me? Television. No, I don't mean what's on it. Full House going into syndication, OK, that is frightening. But what really worries me is that television is broadcasting frequencies that are shooting into space as cathode-ray ambassadors. Our initial contact with extra-terrestrial life will be our TV shows. ET watches ET. Which means the first impression aliens are going to have of Earth is that we're a population of freaks and wackos. They'll assume everyone is packing heat, families are run by smart-ass little kids, drinking beer makes you beautiful, and all of humanity is obsessed with how everyone smells. You watch. We'll be invaded by twelve-foot spiny cacti, and the only leaders they'll consent to meet will be the Doublemint Twins. Then, through photosynthesis, they'll create garbled sounds which, after great effort, will be translated as, "It don't get any better than this."

* Edinburgh, Scotland, where even the hecklers are civilized: 'Screw off back to America, yank.' 'Excuse me?' 'Sorry, mate, plod on with your interminable presentation, then.'

First Nixon abdicated because of tapes, now Packwood resigns because of his diaries. It's true - Washington just doesn't get it. The secret seems pretty easy to me. So here is Durst's handy guide to scamming your way through to your pension: 1) Don't take notes. Wing it. Or at least use a code. When discussing sexual conquests, a baseball scoring grid with a pitch count might suffice. 2) Be creative. When discussing illegal campaign contributions, don't write: "What was said in that room was enough to convict us all." A bunch of crudely drawn smiley faces behind bars gives the same basic information. 3) When you get caught, burn the evidence. Pull a Reagan. Don't recall. Think of Ron's letter to the press announcing he had Alzheimer's. Who knew? My theory is Reagan wrote the letter fifteen years ago and just forgot to mail it. You do have to give Packwood credit for giving it the old Congressional try, though. He said out loud in front of television cameras that some of the stuff he wrote in his diary wasn't true. Which rings more authentic to you? "I don't recall," or, "I was lying then, but I'm not now"?

* London, England, where the only thing on television at 2:30 in the morning was The History of Steam. No, I mean the ONLY thing on television. The other three channels were closed for the night. Four channels. The History of Steam. Get me home. Soon.

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