Pray for Rush.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map - Rush Limbaugh

The admission by rightwing radio ranter Rush Limbaugh that he's a drug addict was a little less expected than the Catholic Church leaking evidence that Mother Teresa ruled with an iron fist as capo di capo of an international prostitution ring. And his is no minor problem with the tokey-smokey. It's a major big-time addiction to the synthetic opiate OxyContin.

Some of you smug critics may consider this fall from grace a failure of the man or the spirit, or even an ironic moment worthy of Jim Fixx dying while jogging or Mark Fuhrman speaking at a Martin Luther King testimonial dinner. But the fault for this descent into the depths of despair cannot be laid at Rush's feet.

The real reason the man "with talent on loan from God" has fallen into junkie hell is as plain as the walls in the Honeymooners' kitchen. Responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of the person at the center of all the evils currently existing in the world: Bill Clinton, and the bride he enthusiastically shares with Satan, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Their commie pinko yellow rat bastard policies drove our hero of the heartland into this depraved state. Who knows what demonic rituals must have been performed by Hillary and her coven of feminist witches naked under a full moon to effect this abomination? Surely a few muttered black spells were not sufficient to cause Rush to take the fateful stumble that injured his back. In order to bend the will of so strong a life force, it must have taken a whole succession of sacrifices, and I ain't talking no chickens or sheep here. Human sacrifices.

So, stay ever vigilant, you Rush supporters. Don't let your guard down. This battle has been ratcheted up to a fight between darkness and light. Between good and evil itself. Between us and them. Pray for Saint Rush.

Good day, everyone. I'm here against my better instincts, primarily to address this minor misunderstanding that apparently has you all a-twitter. Now I know you people make your living by twisting facts and complicating everything, but the deal is, it's very simple really. Any fourth grader could understand. Let me explain it again. Please try and listen...