A picture-perfect letter?

• Author: Wachtel, George
• Position: THE LETTER CLINIC

THIS VERY ATTRACTIVE PIECE FROM UNITED BANK, Massachusetts, will quickly get the reader's attention with its colorful and efficient layout; but it could change some aspects to make a better equity loan sale.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

1 The Johnson's Box: The area in the upper-right of this one-page letter highlights what the product manager believes is its prime selling feature--low rate--but doesn't tell the reader what "problem" they are solving for them. Instead of the huge type for the rate here (that could go under the picture), better to say something like, "Get the cash you need xxx."

2 The Picture: As a tennis player myself. I love this attractive graphic; but what does it have to do with selling equity loans? And why commit so much space to it?

3 The Salutation: They take the easy choice here of "Dear Friend;" but better would be for "Dear Timothy" or "Dear Mr. Berger."

4 Bullet Points: Here is the heart of the letter (and sale points). They do an excellent job of featuring the many choices the consumer has to use the money available through their equity loan.

5 Refinance: This is an interesting and rarely promoted use of an equity loan. If the consumer's loan-to-valuation ratio is in balance, they can easily and cheaply refinance their mortgage with their equity loan.

6 Call to Action: Here they do a good job of giving the...