PEDs-for business. Oh Deer.

• Author: Rundles, Jeff
• Position: RUNDLES wrap up

FOR MOST OF MY ADULT LIFE I HAVE BEEN 5'8" and 150-170lbs. Just recently. however, I have pushed both those thing up-to about 6' and 195 lbs. I can honestly say I'm pretty cut, as well.

How did I do it?

Deer antler.

I thought about going with the Deer Antler Extract Spray so popular these days. but it's so expensive only professional football players and golfers can afford it. Me, I just took one of my many assault rifles up into the hills and shot some deer and began gnawing on their head ornaments. Antlers are particularly good with the velvet still intact and I've noticed. too, that it has improved my dental health.

I figured the deer antler would completely buff me-out, but who knew that deer antler would also make you taller? Simon Cowell might indeed use extra pillows, but I suspect he's packing them, or himself. with deer antler.

Initially I was worried that the Journalism Compliance Board (JCB) would pull my card alter testing positive for a Performance Enhancing Drug (PED) but I have it on good authority that deer antler is undetectable. But the JCB has been getting pretty strict since the banning of both caffeine at id beer in the early 1990s-coincident ally (I think just about the time journalism began its steep decline.

The whole incident got it time thinking about PEDs, and it. occurred to me that since they apparently work so well in enhancing athletic performance among elite professional athletes, wouldn't they also-work for other professionals? 1 mean, c't non, something must be up with two-bit stair attorneys, CP. As, stock analysts, bank loan officers, real estate brokers, investment bankers and the like who suddenly become highly paid superstars. Aren't their bodies, and heads, noticeably larger than when first signed on in their respective I businesses?

It's been rumored the years. of course, that the PED of choice on Wall Street, for instance, was cocaine, but I hear that it has gone out of favor since someone discovered that the "P" in PED as it related to the cocaine was in reality "Perception" they only thought they were enhanced. 1.'he new PED choice on Wall Street, so my contacts in the supplement business tell me, is called Predator-Plus. an extract from coyote urine that boosts the immune system (it blocks shame) while it enhances the instinct to stalk cleats, The...