Overcoming parental toxicity.

• Author: Campbell, Sherrie
• Position: ON THE COUCH - Column

TO RECOVER from toxic parents requires a lifetime of discovery, recovery, redefining, and unlearning. We develop all of our false beliefs in childhood. We learn through how our parents treated us if we were lovable or not, good or bad, worthy or unworthy. They are our gods when we are little. We are dependent upon them, believe them, and strive to be "good." This vulnerability is fractured when we have toxic parents. We must get our power back as adults and differentiate--meaning you separate and individuate from the beliefs of your parents and find and claim your own ideas about yourself, life, and people.

There are steps to differentiation and reclaiming your life:

Permission to feel. We often are told not to feel as children, directly or indirectly. Our feelings mirror to our parents the ineffectiveness of their love, so when we are having the natural feelings of hurt, toxic parents will negate them in one way or another by minimizing, mocking, ignoring, or actually punishing our emotional experience. As you heal yourself as an adult, give yourself the permission to feel what was ignored, punished, or minimized for you as a child. As these feelings release, so will the prison bars around your emotional self.

Open your mind. A closed mind may feel safe, but to be closed-minded means you are not open to new information--and information is healing and empowering. As you heal, be open to new questions, ideas, expanded thinking, and ways to live in your life--let your memories and emotions unfold. If you are open to them, you can make sense of them.

Willingness to grow. How long do you want your childhood to have your power? Your signature purpose in life is to grow. If you are forever stuck in the past with blame, resentment, or waiting for validation, this blocks your happiness and gives away your power. Willingness to make radical shifts and to expand who you are allows you to become a miracle creator in action. Growth does not come through waiting for other people to own up to their issues as a way for you to move on. You have to move on regardless.

Forward-moving questions. Questions are the path to discovery. Exactly what did your parents do, say, and believe that made you feel worthless? Questions move us from the place of what happened to you to what can you do about what happened to you.

Journal write. Tell your childhood story and see how the patterns you learned back then tie into your low self-worth being played out in your...