Outlaw chocolate.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Humor - California smoking ban; other current events - Off The Map - Column - Brief Article

I smoke cigarettes. Yes, I inhale the burning exhaust of a cylindrical tube full of tobacco into my respiratory cavities, filling the pores of my lungs on purpose. Just a little something I do for me. Isn't it great that gays came out of the closet just in time for us smokers to go in? You know who I feel sorry for? Gay smokers.

We're the new lepers. They're going to make us wear bells pretty soon so they can hear us approach. You see us outside our little office buildings in our little circular smoking cabals. It's like high school all over again. Forty-five years old, learning how to cup a cigarette all over again.

As of January 1 here in California. no more smoking in any bars. You nonsmokers may be happy now. but how long before the health police come knocking on your door? Next will be pork rinds. Then blue cheese ("aromatically aggressive"). And finally to save us from ourselves. chocolate.

Oh, hit you where you live, did we?

Can you imagine trying to introduce sugar in today's climate? "All right, here's the deal. I got this flaky white powder. and it produces a real wiry high. I mean jaw-clenchingly wired. Gives you the shakes like a poodle on a Zamboni. And the crash is . . . hard. But here's the kicker: We market it straight at kids. Start them out on it first thing in the morning. Cover their cereal in it at the factory." The FDA would tow your butt to sea.

In San Francisco, archaeologists of what many consider to be the first three-dollar cookie.

Congress has a full plate this session. And here are some of the tasty morsels they're going to wipe off the sides of their mouths with napkins woven out of taxpayer dollars:

* Flag: Will propose amendment to make desecration of flag illegal. And will do it again. And again. Until every member has a clip of a speech supporting the bill suitable for a campaign ad.

* Cruise Ships: Legislation authored by Senator Strom Thurmond, Republican of South Carolina, would overturn an 1886 law preventing foreign cruise ships from ferrying passengers between U.S. ports. Old Strom probably proposed it the first time around.

* HMO reform: Opponents, surprisingly. include the HMO industry, which warns us that reform will mean higher costs and overcrowding. Apparently, better care leading to fewer deaths doesn't help the bottom line. When they take a throat culture, they swipe your credit card.

* Affirmative Action: They want to eliminate race and gender as factors in hiring and other decisions by...