$100 to open a checking account.

• Author: Wachtel, George
• Position: THE LETTER DOCTOR

THE ANTE IS GOING UP for new checking account openings. People's United Bank (Connecticut) has a great checking account offer--$100 if you open with Direct Deposit--but they could have improved the mailing piece with some copy changes.

(1) Headline: Consumers may have some strong feelings about banks nowadays, but "loving them" is usually not at the top of the list. The purpose of the headline is to answer the key question, "What's in it for me?" ... and this does not do it. On the outer envelope, the bank uses the phrase "If you're looking for a better bank," which is a much more realistic approach to continue here.

(2) $100 Offer: Why choose the word "investing" here? It will only confuse the reader and not bring home the selling point, which is: We will give you $100!

(3) Opening Paragraph: Cute; but confusing. Again the copy is hampered by words which will make the reader slow down and puzzle their way through the meaning. How about something similar, but simpler, like: Yes, it's unusual for a bank to give away $100. But People's United is an unusual bank.

(4) "A lot of other freebies.": The general tone of the copy appears to be geared to a younger audience. If that was the demographic selection for the mailing list, they are right on target in their word choice.

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(5) Another Account?: In the second paragraph, they want to introduce the concept of up-selling to get additional benefits; but will again, I fear, confuse the reader. Better to put this concept in the P.S.--and no need to mention another product name. They could just say, "When we talk, ask us how you can upgrade your checking account and get loads of other free stuff!"

(6) Call to...