One Day at a Time: Finding Peace and Purpose by Living in the Moment, 1119 SCBJ, SC Lawyer, November 2019, #30

• Author: By Ashley Stratton
• Position: Vol. 31 Issue 3 Pg. 30

One Day at a Time: Finding Peace and Purpose by Living in the Moment

Vol. 31 Issue 3 Pg. 30

South Carolina Bar Journal

November, 2019

By Ashley Stratton

Between practicing law and raising young children, my mind was always racing a mile a minute: “Need to dictate that deposition summary before I forget;” “Gotta pick up the dry cleaning;” “Forgot to submit mileage for the mediation last week;” “Need to defrost the chicken for dinner;” “What are we bringing for special snack at preschool?” “Need to call my grandmother and check on her;” “Can’t miss yoga class tomorrow.” It was as if my mind was a cell phone receiving a hundred notifications and texts per minute.

Then one spring afternoon, my world turned upside down when I discovered information that would eventually lead to the demise of my marriage and what I thought was a normal family life-a husband and two kids. At the time, I was preparing to return to work from maternity leave, thinking about the cases I would jump back into and about a new childcare routine, not to mention what we were having for dinner that night and what I needed to purchase for a birthday party that afternoon. But when the bottom dropped out, that incessant mental cell phone went black, relegating my mind to the essentials like breathing, eating and sleeping.

Personal tragedy forced me into the single-minded pursuit of survival. The reality of my life at the time was too much to bear, so I zeroed in on the simple, manageable things. In focusing on the present, I unintentionally developed a practice of mindfulness. After all, I couldn’t handle anything more than a single moment at a time. And over time, through years of therapy in hopes of saving the marriage, another baby, a handful of moves, new jobs, and eventually a painful divorce, I realized that living in the moment is not just a way to survive trauma, it is a way to master life.

Regardless of whether you have experienced trauma, as attorneys (and really as Americans), we are constantly battling a war against mental chaos. Work needs to be accomplished, children need to be cared for, bills need to be paid, homes need to be managed, social lives need to be maintained, and then there’s always eating, sleeping and keeping up with our favorite football teams. We all have mental cell phones that ding and light up too many dang times. It’s absolutely exhausting.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Instead of trudging through a sea of energy-draining, stress-inducing thoughts and worries, the overactive mind can be trained to focus on what is life-giving, peaceful and purpose-filled. “Mindfulness is now being examined scientifically and has been found to be a key element in stress reduction and overall happiness.”¹ So how do we train our minds; and more importantly, why should we care?

The benefits

Simply stated, training your mind to focus on the here and now is freeing. In actuality, all any of us have is this very moment. Yet, so many of our thoughts are consumed with things that happened in the past and things that might happen in the future. When we are not planning and looking ahead (sometimes rightfully so), we are often regretting the past and feeling guilt or remorse over prior decisions. But what can we possibly do in the moment to change the past or direct the future? Not a single thing.

“By focusing on the here and now, many people who practice mindfulness find that they are less likely to get caught up in worries about the future or regrets over the past, are less preoccupied with concerns about success and self-esteem, and are better able to form deep connections with others.”²

It has been noted that lawyers who practice mindfulness experience “everything from increased emotional self-awareness and self-regulation, to improved capacity to handle stress and increased concentration and psychological flexibility. Mindfulness practices increase lawyers’ capacity to be present and high-functioning, no matter how unpredictable or potentially distressing the situations in which they might find themselves. They are also better at assessing high-conflict or other challenging situations from multiple perspectives. Such outcomes make lawyers more skillful at handling stressful situations at work and in their personal lives, leading to increased well-being overall.”³

Jeena Cho, a San Francisco bankruptcy attorney and author of the American Bar Association Book, The Anxious Lawyer: An 8-Week Guide to a Joyful and Satisfying Law Practice Through Mindfulness and Meditation, observes that in addition to lowering stress, anxiety and blood pressue, mindfulness increases self-regulation, self-knowledge, and safe awareness.⁴ According to Cho, researchers have found that practicing mindfulness rewires and increases amounts of gray matter in the brain, impacting parts of the brain responsible for memory, sense of self, empathy, and stress.⁵

Practicing mindfulness was actually quite easy to learn in the midst of my personal tragedy. After all, questioning the past (how did this happen? what if I had taken a different path?) was maddening as I was powerless to change anything. On the other hand, thinking about the future or making plans was emotionally heartbreaking. I could not bear the thought of being a single, working mother; even worse, I worried about how my young children would be impacted. So I directed all of my thoughts and energies to the only thing I could handle at the time-that very moment. Living in the moment means we let go of what we cannot change or control-the past and the future-and we experience the freedom of being present in the here and now.

Why it’s difficult

Have you ever had a conversation with someone in your head? A script plays out in the theater of your mind where you anticipate responses, craft replies and, of course, always win the argument.

Then reality hits and the conversation is nothing like what you planned. While this exercise is certainly helpful in preparing for an oral argument or deposition, it’s generally not a good use of your brain space. We cannot predict outcomes or control others. Yet, so much of our thought life is wasted on these endeavors.

The illusion of control often impacts relationships as well. The misconception that we can manage anything more than ourselves results in a myriad of unhealthy relational tendencies such as: • Triangulation: a form of manipulation where instead of being direct, one individual communicates or otherwise tries to affect another person by using a third person to relay the communication, thus forming a triangle.

• Codependency: enabling others to maintain irresponsible, addictive, or unhealthy behavior by unreasonably relying on them to meet emotional needs.

• Non-existent or Undefined Personal Boundaries: failing to set and communicate limits for one’s self in an attempt to manage the feelings of others.

For example, have you ever “walked on eggshells” to avoid an expected reaction from another person? Any of us with difficult clients, coworkers or family members most certainly have. While a healthy respect for others is appropriate, efforts to control others’ reactions are generally useless. We can only control ourselves.

The burden of things we can neither control nor change is often so great that we look for a way to escape. We distract ourselves with social media, drink too much or find unhealthy ways to otherwise numb reality. That is why Step One in Alcoholics Anonymous is about admitting we are powerless. When we realize we are not in control, “[o]ur admissions of personal power-lessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.”⁶ Mindfulness is not only a practice of living in the moment, but it is also about staying in our lane and realizing we are powerless over anything but our own responses to the here and now.

How to live in the moment

Most of us cannot trade in our suits and office jobs for monks’ robes and solitude, but we can employ simple practices that cultivate mindfulness. For starters, pause. Take a deep breath. It’s amazing how oxygen clears the head. Turn off the radio in the car and take a break from the noise. Read something quick and inspirational. I keep apps on my phone with daily inspirations and follow accounts on social media that post positive messages or direct me to motivational or encouraging articles.

University of San Francisco Law professor Rhonda Magee suggests taking five to 10 minutes for a “Mindfulness Reset” each day. ⁷ She recommends settling into your office maybe first thing in the morning or right after lunch, and allowing your mind to settle on the sensations of breating in and out. During this exercise, allow sensations and emotions to arise and float away “as you would a row of clouds across a bright blue sky.”^[8]

Magee also recommends practicing gratitude. As another on the journey to mindfulness noted, be grateful for that “tuna sandwich from the deli with just the right amount of mayonnaise and celery” and the keys “found without a 15-minute frantic tear all around the house.”⁹ Developing this sort of life-giving gratitude and mind-fulness is a benefit of a monastic practice originating with St. Ignatius Loyola called a daily examen. “Examen,” a Latin word, is exactly what it sounds like, an examination: Think of it as a movie playing in your head. Push the play button and run through your day, from start to finish, from your rising in the morning to preparing to go to bed at night. Notice what made you happy, what made you stressed, what confused you, what helped you be more loving. Recall everything: sights, sounds, feelings, tastes, textures, conversations. houghts, words, and deeds, as Ignatius says. Each moment offers a window to where God has been in your day.¹⁰

There are different methods for the daily examen, but I found it beneficial to look back over the day and identify three consolations and three desolations. Consolations are experiences that make you feel fully alive, at peace, joyful, happy, comforted, whole, connected, or your best self¹¹ . These can be simple – like showing grace to the court reporter who is behind on the transcript you requested, hugging your children, or going for a run. Desolations are experiences that cause you to feel drained of energy, frustrated, irritated, angry, sad, alone, isolated, fragmented, or less than your best self¹² . A desolation might be snapping at your secretary or eating the whole box of “hot now” doughnuts.

While Ignatius developed this practice in order to recognize the movement of God in his life, we find that examining our daily lives also connects us to the present and opens our eyes to what is happening in the moment: “There’s mind-fulness going on here, obviously: paying attention, on purpose, to what’s in front of you. Really seeing. You spend time every day really seeing, remembering all the good moments. Somehow, it works.”¹³

During what felt like hopeless times in my life, practicing a daily examen helped me experience the joy of being present and noticing the small stuff. When my marriage blew up, it would have been easy to fall into despair. But when I’d come home from the challenges of being a single, working mom, one look at my three-year-old’s smile or at my baby’s fuzzy hair brought me joy in the midst of pain. Recently, on the elevator, I had quick exchange with a stranger about the lovely late afternoon sky over downtown Columbia. It brought me joy, but I could have easily missed it thinking ahead to traffic on my route home or looking at my Twitter feed. And just the other day, I avoided mindlessly stuffing my face by eating only one “hot now” doughnut, savoring each bite and feeling satisfied because I wasn’t distracted or multi-tasking. These things seem trivial, but most days, life is more manageable and enjoyable when I stop to find joy in the ordinary. So as we approach a holiday season that will inevitably be hectic, try to practice mindfulness and intentionally live in the moment. That mental cell phone will invariably ding; but for the sake of your own health and happiness, put it in silent mode, practice gratitude, and embrace the moment. That is where you will find peace and purpose.

Ashley Stratton, mother of three, supporter of the Gamecocks, and lover of iced tea and the outdoors, has been practicing law for 13 years and is Of Counsel at Gallivan, White & Boyd.

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Notes:

[1] Benefits of

Mindfulness (adapted from Harvard Health Publishing, Positive Psychology: Harnessing the Power of Happiness, Personal Strength, and Mindfulness) (2019), available at www.helpguide.org/harvard/benefits-of-mind-fulness.htm (last visited July 10, 2019).

[2] Id.

[3] Sara Tollefson, 3 Things

Lawyers and Other Professionals Can do Right Not to Bring Mind-fulness to Work (August 4, 2014), available at www.mindful.org/3-things-lawyers-and-other-professionals-can-do-right-now-to-bring-mind-fulness-to-work/ (last visited July 10, 2019).

[4] Jeena Cho, Why Every

Lawyer Should Be Practicing Mindfulness (Part I) (April 20, 2015), available at https://abovethelaw.com/2015/04/

why-every-lawyer-should-be-practicing-mind-fulness-part-i/ (last visited July 10, 2019).

[5] Id.

[6] William G. Wilson, Alcoholics

Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism (New York, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services 3rd ed. 1976).

[7] Tollefson, supra note 3.

[8] Id.

[9] Margery Reagan, The

Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius – Week 5: The Daily Examen, Crux (2014), available at https://cruxnow. com/faith/2014/11/05/the-spiritual-exercises-of-st-ignatius-week-5-the-daily-examen/ (last visited July 10, 2019).

[10] James Martin, S.J., The

Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything, 91 (Harper Collins 1st ed. 2012).

[11] Examen, available

at https://gravitycenter.com/

practice/examen/ (last visited July 10, 2019).

[12] Id.

[13] Reagan, supra note 9.

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