Off to the library.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map - Editorial

If Chicago is the City of Big Shoulders, then Rockford has to be the City of Massive Thighs.

Poor Trent Lott. Those damn Democrats laid into him like a pack of hopped up Chihuahuas on a stray Snausage snack simply for saying out loud what he's fervently believed for fifty-four years. And no one seemed to listen when he apologized seven times. Of course, it was hard to understand the first six because they were muffled by his hood. But this was serious. So serious, Bush was forced to weigh in: "There's no room in the Republican Party for racists." Gosh, I knew there were a lot of them, but I didn't think all the slots were full.

* San Francisco, California, where the exhaust from the bongs is visible all the way to Reno.

Some outspoken opponents of the Clinton Administration (and aren't those pesky Clinton critics the persistent ones!) have announced their intention to open their own version of a Little Rock Presidential Library honoring, or shall we say dishonoring, the forty-second commander-in-chief. Included in the plans are rooms such as the Hillary Hall of Shame, Pardons for Dollars, and the National Insecurity Hall. If a blue-knit dress from the Gap doesn't make an appearance, each and every one of you will receive a buck from me. In a statement obviously designed to be read with increasing stridency, Richard Erickson, a Houston businessman and one of the partners behind the "Counter Clinton Library," claims "this isn't a personal vendetta against Clinton at all.... What we want to do here is Tell the Truth About What They Did in the White House and Their Whole Public Careers, and Try to Defuse Them, and STOP HER FROM BEING PRESIDENT IN SIX YEARS." I assume it's all a cute little hoax, but then again, I hope not. Because this puts all the other Presidential libraries in play:

The Counter Kennedy Library, featuring the Marilyn Monroe Spanking Closet.

The Counter Johnson Library: Have fun listening to years of examples of LBJ mispronouncing the word "Negro."

The Counter Nixon Library, replete with a hands-on exhibit in the Stretch Room, where the visitor may attempt to imitate the gymnastics of Rosemary Woods accidentally erasing eighteen and a half minutes of tape.

The Counter Ford Library: Receive a free WIN button upon entering, and enjoy the...