October surprises.

Author:Durst, Will
Position:OFF THE MAP
 
FREE EXCERPT

Something craven infects political candidates as the days before the presidential election dwindle to a precious few--especially when their prospects for victory appear slimmer than an emaciated giraffe in a funhouse mirror. It may be darkest before the dawn, but for those scheduled to be executed at first light, the darkness can trigger a kind of dastardly creativity that those made of lesser stuff might characterize as desperation.

And with the two major candidates more polarizing than twin electro magnets spinning in reverse during a power surge, their supporters are willing to believe any scurrilous attack. So, to say the atmosphere is ripe for shocking revelations designed to negatively influence public opinion is like intimating that baseball cleats and freshly polished parquet floors are not a match made in Architectural Digest heaven.

The late-hour slandering of an opponent has come to be called the October Surprise. Considering the volatile history of this year's campaign, we should be prepared for copious disclosures of gargantuan proportions. Not mere October Surprises, but October Lightning Bolts Tossed by Odin Himself, October Eighty-Megaton Hydrogen Bombshells and October Exposes That Will Make Your Mouth Hang Open Long Enough to Attract Bottle Flies.

And with one week of November in the mix this time around, even more delicious salacious wickedness awaits. Here's a sample of the advertent and inadvertent revelations we can expect in the final weeks of this, "The Most Important Election of Your Lifetime."

Yes. Again.

OCTOBER 2: Breitbart News discovers that when the first words of Hillary Clintons deleted emails from October 2009 are arranged chronologically, a love letter to Satan is revealed in which she calls him "Smoochie."

OCTOBER 3: Moveon.org posts a video of Donald Trump shouting the phrase "You're fired" to photos of family members.

OCTOBER 4: During the vice presidential debate, moderators and Longwood University audience members inexplicably fall asleep. Later, the Centers for Disease Control dubs the new phenomenon "MDHS: Mass Droning Hypnosis Syndrome" and urges the Federal Election Commission to prohibit future events from being broadcast on car radios.

OCTOBER 5: Republican VP nominee Mike Pence disappears and a ransom note from ISIS is published online but ignored by all.

OCTOBER 6: Democratic VP nominee Tim Kaine does not disappear. Nobody notices.

OCTOBER 8: Fox News interviews a high school classmate of...

To continue reading

FREE SIGN UP