Obama: heave some ho.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map - Barack Obama

CNN hosted the first GOP debate of the year and the dear winners were the 99.99 percent of the American people who neglected to watch it. But for the six of us who did, the strategy of the combatants was more obvious than fireworks in a stairwell. Bash Obama, take a breath, bash again. And repeat.

Every time the frontrunner, Mitt Romney, was given an opportunity, he circumvented the question and relentlessly whipped into his "failure of leadership" mantra like a broken hand puppet.

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And I know, I know, I know, the purpose of the loyal opposition is to oppose, but these guys are making careers out of it.

First, Obama was attacked for failing to come to the aid of the freedom-loving rebels of Libya, until he did, when he was yelled at for going to the aid of the freedom-loving rebels of Libya. Even when he agrees with them he's wrong. Obama could discover a cure for cancer and Republicans would com plain he's against Big Pharma.

Their obsession with the forty-fourth President's demise explains their continued attempts to paint him otherly. Different. Strange. Not born here. Indonesia. Or Kenya. Elsewhere. Funny name. Odd color. Big ears. Too thin. Europeany. Reads a lot. Doesn't understand family values. Would rather talk than fight. All of which in their world translates into "Not a Real American."

The ferocity of their attacks could be because unlike his predecessors, Obama is meta clean.

Smoother than chamois on chrome.

Makes Clinton look like a chunk of concrete wrapped in Velcro dipped in wallpaper paste.

Less friction than rayon pajamas on silk sheets in zero gravity.

No matter what you think of his policies, you have to admire his ability not to get involved in them.

And that's another problem. Although the President may be hyper engaged, his laid-back style makes him appear more distant than the next rest stop on a northern Saskatchewan highway. Even when he says passionate things he does it dispassionately. No matter how dire the economic straits, when he addresses them he sounds like Ben Bernanke's more...