MWM seeks dream Warlord.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map

Stateline, Nevada, where the Tahoe Regional Planning Agency makes property owners who want to build on their lots enter a lottery. So whether you live in California or Nevada, the odds are still with the house.

Cue cheesy early '70s game show music.

Jim Lange: And now it's time to play The Figurehead Game. Warlords, let's meet your prospective employer. He's a former Secretary of Defense, a successful oilman, and no fan of microwave ovens.... Gentlemen, say hello to Vice President Dick Cheney.

The three warlords (in unison): Hello Dick.

Jim Lange: Mr. Cheney, you know the rules. Let's get started.

Cheney: Warlord No. 1, if we hooked up with your horde, what would be your first move to impress George W. Bush?

Warlord No. 1: I would bathe in the blood of Hussein and his Republican Guard.

Cheney: Yeah, OK. Warlord No. 2, same question.

Warlord No. 2: In a cedar box with velvet lining, I would present Mr. Bush with the ears of Saddam Hussein and his entire family, roped together in a necklace the President could wear at official functions.

Cheney: Nice visual. Warlord No. 3, how much do you hate Hussein?

Warlord No. 3: I hate him very much. He has oppressed our people and caused great hardship for too long.

Cheney: Really. Interesting. Warlord No. 1, how much do you hate Saddam Hussein?

Warlord No. 1: So much, I get knots the size of stewed goat heads in my bowels whenever I think of him. I pledge to hang my beach towel on his intestines, fill his knee caps with guacamole, and rip his mustache off and have local artisans weave it into an oil filter for my Mercedes.

Cheney: Excellent, that's the kind of initiative I'm looking for. I mean, we're looking for. Warlord No. 2, what kind of government would you replace Hussein's regime with?

Warlord No. 2: I would succeed Hussein's oppressive rule with 10,000 years of peace and harmony where children would sing and flowers would grow.

Cheney: What kind of flowers?

Warlord No. 2: Poppies.

Cheney: Wrong answer. Warlord No. 3, how would you supplant the ruthless domination currently in charge?

Warlord No. 3: I foresee a democratically elected group of citizens acting as the people's representatives according to their wishes. Much like your Congress.

Cheney: Loser!

Warlord No. 3: I meant your Supreme Court.

Cheney: Better. Warlord No. 1? Same question.

Warlord No. 1: I'm a warlord. I would rule like a warlord. Excuse me...