Murky mortgage mailer.

• Author: Wachtel, George
• Position: THE LETTER CLINIC

THIS MORTGAGE REFINANCE LETTER from Third Federal S&L (assets: $11 billion), Cleveland, arrived in a #10 window envelope and has a challenging time trying to explain its Smart Rate Adjustable Mortgage program.

1 The Johnson's Box: The reader gets overwhelmed with numbers here, with a total of 18 digits being presented in the big and small type. Better to get a consumer benefit message in with a simpler statement like: "Refinance and lower your payments with rates as low as 2.49%/2.86% APR!"

2 The Call Outs: This is a good technique to bring in the light bulb graphic and highlight key selling points. But they start out by just repeating what is right above it, and end with the somewhat superfluous "invitation number."

3 The Headline: This is a good consumer message and is "OK" here; but could be eliminated and used in place of the gift card in the P.S. at the bottom (because the coupon is right below it).

4 The Product Name: Product managers just love their product names and usually insist on them being included (repeated, and repeated nine times). These two sentences, for example, would be better rewritten to something like, "The Smart Rate Mortgage is different--because you have the control etc."

5 The Closing Paragraph: I would rather see the nice "uses of the money you will save" moved up in the letter--or even to replace the "$595 in closing costs" in the top headline. The rest of this paragraph is good.

6 The Invitation Number...