Moses supposes.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Satirical look at politics - Column - Brief Article

I loved it how the Republicans added all those amendments to the tobacco bill and then defeated it because there were too many amendments attached. Watching the whole process was like watching someone staple saddle bags to a pigeon and then shoot it because it can't fly.

I can't wait for the year 2000, when Newt runs for President. You know, I'm thinking, in order to really impress the money people, Mister G. is going to have to take himself a new tack. What this Georgia Peach needs is a slogan. And I'm just the man for the job. Here are a few rough drafts:

* The Speaker of the House: he looks out for number one.

* Newt Gingrich: no ethics violations in months.

* You don't have to trust him to admire him.

* Newter than he wants to be.

* The new Newt: hasn't abandoned a wife while she was recuperating from cancer surgery since the first one.

* Don't worry, he's not contagious.

* The Newtmeister: sleaze does matter.

* No, he doesn't always make sense, but he's loud.

* He may be an ass, but he's ours.

Meanwhile, Moses is running the NRA. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Yes, they made him an honorary postal worker, ready to lead conservatives out of the wilderness and into the promised land of high poll numbers. He's going to turn around the image of the organization--about as easy as taming a wounded weasel with a raw meat stick. First Ronald Reagan is President of the United States, now Charlton Heston is president of the NRA. I guess pretty soon Jack Palance is going to head the Red Cross. Heston said, "Mr. Clinton, America didn't trust you with our healthcare system. America doesn't trust you with our twenty-one-year-old daughters, and we sure, Lord, don't trust you with our guns!" Heston also called the recent school shootings "a child issue, not a gun issue." I disagree. I think it's a school issue. Get rid of schools, get rid of school shootings. It's so simple.

* In San Francisco, a group of political consultants refused to sign a voluntary pledge not to lie during campaigns. They wouldn't lie about lying. You have to respect that. I think.

The really good news from the Southern Baptist Convention is, if I join now, I don't have to do dishes anymore. The Baptists amended their statement of beliefs for the first time in thirty-five years to include a statement that says women should "submit graciously" to their husbands. Cool. My wife, Debi Ann, the heathen pagan, stubbornly disagrees. I explained patiently it might take her a while to see...