More Reform Party Candidates.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Humor - Brief Article

The big Reagan biography came out, and the Republican powers that be are madder than a bunch of roosters in a henhouse after vasectomy surgery.

I'm pissed because of all the stuff that didn't make the book. Remember when the old man blamed pollution on trees? Right after he said ketchup was a vegetable? What happened to those tales?

We're talking about the guy who vetoed the clean water bill. Vetoed the clean water bill! What was going through his tiny little mind? "Clean water, hunh, well, I don't know, I better have Nancy sacrifice a goat and paw through the entrails. And now, introducing the newest member of my Cabinet, Countess Zenda."

People give him credit for ending the Cold War, but nobody mentions the fact that he was the very same nuclear cowboy responsible for heating up the damn thing by talking about limited nuclear warfare--which is a lot like saying partial total destruction. I never really worried ol' Lizard Neck was going to push the button. I was always afraid he would nod out and fall on it.

Then, after he retires, he writes a letter to the press saying he had Alzheimer's Disease. My theory is he wrote the letter in 1979 and just forgot to mail it.

San Francisco, where the city attorney general's 27 percent conviction rate on violent crimes is being attacked as low. Not a word on his excellent record on holding down jail overcrowding.

It seems George W. Bush really is smarter than a bucket of rocks. Well, clever enough to figure out a candidate claiming to be "Mr. Compassionate Conservative" doesn't try to pay for rich people's pork sandwiches as he skips across the heads of the poor by taking away their Earned Income Tax Credits.

When the Republican Congress first floated the idea, the thought was every right-thinking GOP-er would fall in line with the same practiced goose step they've perfected since Newt Gingrich first trained his revolutionary army.

Unexpectedly, Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie decided, since he already had the nomination sewed up, now was the time to position himself for the general election, which does not include treating the poor and middle class like stepping stones on the way to Capital Gains Reduction Valhalla.

A far-thinking Republican. Who knew?

Maybe the guy can reshape the Republican Party into the party of the little guy.

A party with its focus on the future rather than the next quarterly dividend. A party that cares about people instead of corporate interests. About workers instead of...