Meanwhile in America.

• Author: Sacco, Joe
• Position: Comic

Why do I keep getting mail from ex-governor Howard Dean, whose run for office collapsed weeks ago?

ARGGHH! ANOTHER LETTER FROM S. BURLINGTON, VERMONT.

FOR THIS I PUT OUT MY BACK?

Y'GIVE A GUY 100 BUCKS AND--WHAT?--HE BECOMES YOUR CANDIDATE FOR LIFE?

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Somehow I haven't had the heart to open the letters Dean has sent me since Iowa and New Hampshire ended our relationship.

BUT I HAVEN'T HAD THE HEART TO THROW THEM OUT, EITHER.

It's like getting letters from a girlfriend you've given the boot. Reading 'em is only going to make you feel guilty--especially if you've found someone new.

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Ahh ... election-time romance! Now I'm in john Kerry's bed.

SURE I'M SLUTTING AROUND.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT CHANGING CANDIDATES MAKE ME FEEL SORTA LIKE ONE OF THOSE 1970'S SWINGERS--IT'S ALL ABOUT ME AND HAVING MY "NEEDS" SATISFIED.

And right now my needs are all about removing Bush and fumigating the White House.

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Okey, Dean was a real infatuation, but there's no use crying over split candidate. I'm like all the other people who've jumped over to Kerry and are high on his "electibility."

HE WON THE WAR IN VIETNAM.

AND LATER EH WAS AGAINST IT.

HE'S TALL.

HE CAN BET BUSH.

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Yes! He can beat Bush! Or that's what we're telling each other. Kerry's "electibility" is our Ecstacy. It's got us hot!

And we can almost taste the White House. Finnaly Bush looks like he could crumble. We're noticing more and more hairline cracks in his no-longer-smirking facade.

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On a recent plane out of Potland, for example, I sat next to a guy returning to his Orange County home and Little League games, who told me--

I VOTED FOR BUSH BEFORE, BUT THE ARROGANCE OF HIS ADMINISTRATION IS BEYOND THE PALE.

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD HATES US.

--and that was coming from a Republican banker.

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YES, SIR! I FEEL I'M GONNA GET LUCKY THIS YEAR.

DEAN LET ME GET BUT KERRY'S TAKING ME ALL THE WAY!

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So when I flipped on the set one Sunday morning and saw Ralph Nader about to open this mouth, I suddenly felt all my election hopes flash before my eyes.

DON'T DO IT, RALPH!

FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T RUN!

But he wasn't listening to me or to anybody else. He was announcing his candidacy for president.

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I'd supported Nader in 2000, and I'd never quite bought the blather that he had pulled the rug from under Gore, but this time ... this...