Making it work. Life, Lemons and Lemonade
| Author | Akira Heshiki |
| Pages | 14-14 |
PHOTOGRAPH BY DAVINA SIMS
Opening Statements
MAKING IT WORK
14 || ABA JOURNAL MAY 2018
Life, Lemons and Lemonade
Making It Work is a column in part nership with the Working Mother Best Law Fir ms for Women initiative in
which lawyers sh are how they manage both life’s chall enges and work’s demand s. Visit workingmother.com for more.
By Akira Heshik i
Last summer my mom was dia gnosed
with Alzhei mer’s. I am the only chi ld of
immigrant parents. Suddenly t here are extra
doctor appointments to attend, ex tra calls
and check-ins, long sessions of dementia-
related drama , and new unwanted guests
in my home: guilt and fear that I am not
doing enough to help care for the person
who has always care d for me.
Three years ago, my then-husband and
I separated. I had to fig ure out how to
live by myself after 16 year s of marriage.
So many details—mortga ge, taxes, school
lunch accounts and, worst of a ll, the cable
company. (My name is still spelled wrong
on the bill. I have let that go aft er three
valiant but failed att empts at justice.)
Five years ago, my second daughter wa s
born—adding to what felt like an a lready
hectic and crowded schedule of working
full time and ra ising my then-5-year-old,
who was adjusting to no longer being the
center of the universe.
Life’s challenges go on. Of course,
not all are equally t ragic. But the hard
challenges always seem t o throw me o
balance and make t he task of going to
the oce for another “normal day” feel
like an impossibilit y.
Sometimes, on the hard days, when I
come to the oce feeling overwhelmed
by the needs of children, parent s, boy-
friend, water-c ooler small talk feels like I
am acting in a fa rcical comedy that doesn’t
acknowledge the realit ies of no sleep, lim-
ited time and too many ir ons in the fire.
On those days, it is hard to c oncentrate
on even trivial c onversation, much less
work, while my thoughts are draw n else-
where to more pressing matters dema nding
my attention and draini ng my emotions.
On other days, the work of review ing a
brief or counseling a client is a welcome
respite from “real life .” I am gratef ul for
the distract ion and an opportunity to feel
normal. As I work through ea ch of these
life events, I find myself year ning to get
back to the mundane—to feel the lux ury
of having my biggest concern be “wh at shall
we eat for dinner” instea d of “oh, my mom
is calling … aga in … for the third time
in the last half-hour, without remem-
bering that she has ca lled before.”
During the hard ti mes, I want to
remember how it feels without the
constant knot in my stoma ch. I yearn
for the luxury of spendi ng time, say,
painting my nails for the sheer enjoy-
ment of it and not as an enabling
mechanism to take a bre ak for escape
or avoidance. I want to “get through
this part” w ith the hope that, once
this chapter ends, the str uggles will
be over. Unfortunately, that’s not how
life works.
Instead, life c ontinues to bring new
and dierent chapters. In the moments
of calm, I can look a head to the challenges yet to come.
What wisdom would I share for others who a re also struggling
at “making it work”? I thi nk back to all the things and people that
allowed me to do so even when I felt like I was ba rely functioning.
The thing I appreciate most is ki ndness. The kindness of others
makes some of my most dicult time s bearable. Sometimes I feel
kindness in those who spend ti me with me not talking about my
problems so I can keep it together duri ng the day.
Other times the opposite is tr ue. Sometimes I need to talk
about the hard things w ith someone kind enough to listen. By
opening up about my divorce I discovered a secre t club of fellow
divorcees I never knew exi sted: a club with funny jokes (talk
of their “was-bands” a nd “out-laws”) and ar mation and hope.
Those conversations with my fellow sister s in the semi-secret
divorcee sorority were, at t imes, a healing salve.
By recognizing my huma nity and being open to the kindness
of others, I have discovered that I have a tr ibe of people who care
for me. They are willing t o drive me home when I am exhausted,
pick up my kids if I am runni ng late, or sit with my mom so my
dad and I can spend a moment alone.
I am still lear ning to ask for help and be gracious and accept
it when it is oered. I am still lea rning to let go of things like
shame. Too often I cling to the pretense that I c an do it all and
be everyth ing, and that anything less is shamef ul.
I am still lear ning that work-life balance is not a fixed equilibrium
but a shifting of priorities. L ast week it was working all night and
feeding the kids Taco Bell, but next we ek it may be a shift of prior-
ities to Mom, and only Mom—and that’s OK. That’s real life, and
that to me, is the only way we make it work. Q
Akira Heshiki is a senior attorney with Standard Insurance Co. in
Portland, Oregon, where she manages benets claims litigation. Heshiki
represents the Multnomah Bar Association at the ABA House of Delegates
and is chair of the ABA Tort Trial & Insurance Practice Section’s diversity
and inclusion committee.
Akira Heshiki
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