Make the world great again.

AuthorBiers-Ariel, Matt
PositionOVER THE TOP - Column

Make Britain Great Again: Friends, Brexit is a good thing, a really good thing. We had to Brexit because Britain isn't Great anymore. Were not. The Brexit was a start, but not nearly enough, not close to nearly enough. We don't win anymore. What was the last war we won? The Falkland Islands? You've got to be kidding me. That was a joke; no one wants that place. It's terrible. Hundreds of people have told me that it's filled with goats. The place is crawling with goats--and, by the way, no one buys goat meat. Worthless. Totally worthless. We shouldn't be there.

That's not our only problem. Look at the royals. Who isn't sick of seeing pictures of a 100-year-old frump everywhere? I can't open a letter without seeing her in one of her ugly hats. They're disgusting. Do us a favor, Liz, retire. Oh wait, you can't because who'd take over? Your son? Charlie is weak, totally weak. Jeb Bush weak. Probably vegetarian weak. Charlie had a wife so supermodel hot, I would have dated her. Then he divorces her and marries a broad about as old as his mum. Crazy Charlie is totally unfit for the throne.

And now, we've really, really, really hit bottom with London. We let all the foreigners in and what do they do? They elect a terrorist mayor. When I'm elected, we're going to get rid of the foreigners, and I'm going find Charlie a good-looking mistress.

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Make France Great: The truth is, folks, we were never great. Yes, I'm including Napoleon. The guy was small. Small hands, too, if you know what I mean. I'm told that his children weren't even his. As for me, no problem in that area. I've got five kids, and I'm not stopping. When you're married to a supermodel, you want more, and I'm virile. Very big hands.

Though we were never great, we were decent at some things--like wine. But now we can't compete because of unfair trade deals made by our moronic leaders. California is killing us. Chile is killing us. Australia is killing us. I'm told by Naomi Watts and Mel Gibson, who by the way are great Australian friends of mine, that kangaroos are trained to pick grapes. Unfair.

When I'm president, we are going to rewrite the terrible, terrible trade deals, outlaw unions, and stop all the strikes. These guys strike if their boss tells them to go get him a cup of coffee. Unions are extremely bad and very, very corrupt. If we could get rid of all the union leaders, I wouldn't shed a tear for those bloodsucking job destroyers.

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