A Love Nest for Bill and Hill.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: A new home for the Clintons: humor - Other news items are included - Brief Article

Dear President Clinton & Mrs. Future Senator of the great state of New York Clinton:

OK, Bill and Hill. But just this once, you rascals. Allow me to reiterate what an honor it is for you to have chosen me to be your exclusive realtor in Westchester County. My family says it's such a tribute I should renounce my commission. But don't count on it.

A bipartisan squadron of research consultants couldn't have selected a better community for you to relocate in. These are quality people up here, and I'm sure after the briefest of acclimation periods, you folks will fit in right as rain.

As you are undoubtably aware, this is probably not the best time to be house-hunting due to the extended upturn of the economy. Especially considering the caliber of people found in this, America's third wealthiest suburban area. It's a seller's market, folks. Through no little fault of your own, I might add. Too bad you weren't looking during the tail end of the Bush Administration. These places were going for the proverbial song.

I see your references are impeccable (the Pope went over big), but I'm afraid the banks are being rather intractable on the 20 percent down. I'm sure you understand, since neither of you has what could be called a real job lined up. Although I remain confident the term "Senator Clinton" will be a phrase New Yorkers will find themselves repeating over and over again with vest-busting pride. And, Bill, you do have your pension. So don't lose faith, dear hearts. We'll find that special "love nest" you two spoke so passionately of. The one with the separate identical wings.

Yours truly, Tama Cuhorszy Century 21 Senior Vice President New Accounts, Westchester County

* Berkeley: Fans of Pacifica radio station KPFA protested the removal of a host who spoke on the air of recent management disputes. The philosophy of America's foremost free speech station: Do as we say; don't say what we do.

Would you like an $800 billion tax cut? Of course you would. It's like asking a kid if he wants hot fudge on ice cream. Well, you're not going to get it because Bill Clinton says it "doesn't leave room for what's necessary." Whatever the hell that means. And this makes Republicans very happy. Because they plan on jumping on that during the next election like critics on a new Kubrick film. "The American people want tax cuts," the Republicans tell us. Well, the American people also want to lose weight by eating sour cream and onion potato chips, but hey!

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