“Like stepping on glass”: A theoretical model to understand the emotional experience of childhood parentification

• Published date: 01 December 2023
• Author: Shirley Schorr,Limor Goldner
• Date: 01 December 2023
• DOI: http://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12833

RESEARCH

“Like stepping on glass”: A theoretical model

to understand the emotional experience

of childhood parentification

Shirley Schorr|Limor Goldner

School of Creative Arts Therapies, Emili Sagol

Creative Arts Therapies Research Center,

Faculty of Social Welfare and Health Sciences,

University of Haifa, Israel

Correspondence

Limor Goldner, School of Creative Arts

Therapies, Faculty of Social Welfare and

Health Sciences, University of Haifa,

Aba-Hhusi 199 St., Mount Carmel, Haifa,

3498838, Israel.

Email: lgoldner@univ.haifa.ac.il

Abstract

Objective: This purpose of this article is to contribute to

the literature on the lived experiences of parentification, its

long-term consequences to the self, and coping strategies

related to parentification.

Background: A considerable number of quantitative stud-

ies have reported on the adverse consequences of destruc-

tive or pathological parentification.

Method: Nineteen Israeli women aged 30–68 years who

believed that they had experienced parentification during

childhood and adolescence took part. The women partici-

pated in in-depth semistructured interviews. The data analy-

sis employed the constructivist grounded theory approach.

Results: The participants described their childhood and

adolescence as a horrifying, threatening, invasive, and

neglectful experience that demanded constant adaptation

to cope with the anxiety and fear of breakdown. A devel-

opmental relational trauma model is proposed to account

for the relationships described in their responses. Drawing

on convergent findings from psychoanalytic and develop-

mental approaches, the model suggests that the partici-

pants developed a split self-structure to cope with these

adverse experiences. It is argued that creating a split dis-

connecting the topographic structure of the self is key to

understanding the sources of role reversal. By aiming to

overcome the overwhelming experience of abuse and

neglect, this split structure paradoxically protects the trau-

matized participants from the fragmentation of the self

through multiple disconnections.

Conclusions: Parentification can be considered a form of

emotional abuse and neglect.

Implications: Clinicians need to recognize the destructive

effects of this relationship on self-structuring.

Received: 10 March 2022Revised: 13 November 2022Accepted: 26 December 2022

DOI: 10.1111/fare.12833

© 2023 National Council on Family Relations.

Family Relations. 2023;72:3029–3048. wileyonlinelibrary.com/journal/fare 3029

KEYWORDS

emotional abuse, family relationships, neglect, parentification, role

reversal, trauma

Introduction

Adverse and traumatic experiences in childhood predispose these children to parentification,

a situation in which a child is forced to relinquish age-appropriate psychological needs to

accommodate and care for the logistical or emotional needs of the parent (Haxhe, 2016;

Hooper et al., 2011; Hooper & Wallace, 2010). Researchers differentiate between adaptive

(or moderate) parentification and destructive (or pathological) parentification. Whereas the

former is considered culturally fair, the latter is characterized by neglect of the child’spsycho-

logical needs, which creates intense anxiety and chronic feelings of helplessness in the child

(Hooper, 2007; Saha, 2016). Numerous quantitative studies have reported significant associa-

tions between childhood pathological parentification and an increased risk of psychopathol-

ogy in adulthood (see the meta-analysis by Hooper et al., 2011). The most frequently

documented pathologies are mood disorders, including depression (Schier et al., 2015;

Shifren & Kachorek, 2003); personality impairments such as self-defeating characteristics;

narcissistic personality characteristics (Jones & Wells, 1996); and substance use disorders

(Godsall et al., 2004; Pasternak & Schier, 2012). Data have shown that increased engagement

in parentification is associated with a variety of adverse outcomes to the self in adolescents,

including self-harm (Bifulco et al., 2014), difficulties in separation–individuation, greater self-

silencing (Goldner et al., 2021), and a low sense of self-esteem (Oznobishin & Kurman, 2009).

Despite these disturbing findings, little is known about the lived experiences of children who

have undergone destructive pathological parentification.

Background

Adequate parent–child psychological boundaries in which the parent(s) provides most of the

caring for the child is considered a cornerstone of child development (Kerig, 2005; Macfie

et al., 2015). Nevertheless, in some families and circumstances, severe disruption of the psycho-

logical boundaries between parents and children, known as parentification, takes place where

parents turn to their children for concrete instrumental help with housekeeping chores or for

emotional nurturance, support, comfort, and closeness.

Studies often distinguish between adaptive and destructive or pathological parentification

(Byng-Hall, 2008; Saha, 2016). The adaptive form is relatively temporary and moderate in

intensity and aligns with the family’s cultural norms and the child’s developmental stage. In this

situation, the child is validated for her or his efforts in public. Thus, the child’s caregiving

efforts are perceived as fair and rewarding (Byng-Hall, 2008; Saha, 2016). This type of relation-

ship, which is more often experienced by girls, may have positive outcomes for the child such as

acquiring empathy, interpersonal competence (Champion et al., 2009), adaptive coping skills

(Stein et al., 2007), a sense of self-worth (Titzmann, 2012), maturation, and motivation to excel

(Byng-Hall, 2008).

By contrast, destructive or pathological parentification relationships are characterized by poor

parental care, which is manifested by placing exaggerated, overburdening, long-lasting emotional

responsibility, and instrumental caregiving onthe child, which the child perceives as an intolera-

bly heavy burden andunfair (Jankowski et al., 2013). These relationalresponsibilities do not coin-

cide with these children’s development stage and tend to generate anxiety and depressive feelings

3030 FAMILY RELATIONS