Life after Ellen.

• Author: Clinton, Kate
• Position: Humor - 'Ellen' network TV character admits to being a lesbian - Unplugged - Column

A friend of mine was called for jury duty just before Christmas. She sat for a day and a half in the holding area until she was summoned for a criminal trial. She and her cohorts were ushered into an empty courtroom where the judge thanked them all in advance for their service and time in the busy holiday season. He reminded them that justice takes no holiday and encouraged them to think of jury duty as they would think of military service: as an honor and privilege in the preservation of democracy.

When it came time for the voir dire, my friend told the judge she was a lesbian. She said she would be excluded from the honor and privilege of serving in the military because of that. Using the military precedent, she argued that injustice should not get a holiday either and that she should be dismissed. He said he got her point, and she was excused from jury duty. My friend felt vindicated by this stunning appeal to juris logic.

Unfortunately, this same friend believes she can pass the law boards just by watching horsewoman Greta Van Susteren on Court T.V. She also thinks things are going to be very different when Ellen comes out. She believes it's going to be big--that time hereafter will be measured B.E. and A.E. So she numbers 1997 as 1 A.E., and claims that Ellen's coming out will usher in not only the end of homophobia but also the end of racism, sexism, and ageism. Big, big, big.

In A.E. 1, the racism inherent in news stories describing the inscrutable Asian campaign donors who were allowed into the Clinton White House posing as Chinese takeout delivery guys will be exposed.

In A.E. 1, military dudes on Frontline, Nightline, and Admiral Stockdale's What's My Line? will stop saying, "See, we told ye. Gals have no place in the military. They're the reason you've got your rape and harassment. Period. End of story."

In A.E. 1, Bill Gates and Martha Stewart--in a love match more terrifying to contemplate than Jane Fonda and Ted Turner, Andrew Sullivan and RuPaul, or Joyce Carol Oates and Stephen King--will meet in a Mensa Mensch chat room he designed, but she decorated. They'll do some cyber-dating, though they won't ever actually press...