Letter from the Brighton Jail.

• Position: Thinking Politically

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

Dear Michigan,

It's been one heck of a day. The front page of yesterday's newspaper said that the Michigan League of Conservation Voters (MCLV) had invited "all" your gubernatorial candidates to a forum on environmental issues. Being a duly-filed gubernatorial candidate and representing the duly-filed Green Party of Michigan, a party well known for putting ecological, environmental and conservation concerns at the forefront of its platform, I just naturally assumed that the MLCV would be interested in what we have to say.

Well, surprise, surprise, surprise! When it comes from Dana Debel, the event organizer, "all" doesn't really mean "all". Here I thought we'd heard the last of verbal shenanigans after last summer, when we learned "It all depends what your definition of the word 'is' is," but no, there's a lot more where that came from.

I walked up on stage with all the other candidates, shook a few hands, and took my seat. Turns out I took Jim Blanchard's seat and Dana was gravely offended. Jim was so busy hamming it up for the crowd that he didn't notice, Dick Posthumus just stood there smiling like a deer in the headlights, the Attorney General sat idly by and didn't lift a finger to intervene, and David Bonior said, "Let him stay." Dave's a smart and savvy politician and I'm sure he knew exactly what was about to go down.

Now being the new candidate that I am, I'd never have guessed that Dana Debel is empowered to decide who's a legitimate candidate and who's not. I've always thunk that it was the Bureau of Elections who decides. Silly me.

No, it's Dana who decides that I'm not a legitimate candidate. Not only that, but the Brighton police and the Michigan state troopers apparently report to her, because when she gave the word, they grabbed me by the arms and legs and dragged my ass out of there. We tripped and fell on the way toward backstage, which must have been awfully comical to the audience but the cops weren't amused. As soon as they got me behind the curtains, they handcuffed me, 6 of them threw me down to the floor, and 3 of them piled on top of me to make sure I didn't go anywhere. I was having a hard time refraining from laughing out loud, because other than not getting up and leaving under my own power, I wasn't offering any resistance. They wheeled me out on a utility cart, put me in a cruiser, then took me down to the Brighton jail.

I have to say, I had been underestimating Bretton Jones. He's about 20, an undergrad at Oakland University, and...