Keep recycling.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Political humor - Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, etc. - Off The Map - Column

I'm so excited that Bob Dole resigned from the Senate. It's a start. Now if only Newt Gingrich, Dick Armey, and Trent Lott would follow suit. Hell, to make it a fair fight, Clinton should step down, too. Doesn't matter. Earlier this year, we proved we can get along with the government shut down. This is our chance to prove we can get along without any visible leadership at all. Seemed to hold our own during the years 1980 to 1992. Dole ostensibly quit so he could devote more time to campaigning for the Presidency, which he's finding much harder than in his previous campaigns, mainly since there are more states now.

Memo to Team on Bob Dole's New Look Campaign Strategy:

The decision to have the Majority Leader quit the Senate saw a remarkable rise in his poll numbers. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Pressing ahead, the next day we trotted him out at a rally without a tie and an immediate climb in his accessibility factor was noted in three separate focus groups. Since these minor adjustments have paid off so quickly, some of our future plans include:

* Having the Senator continue to publicly resign from various organizations. Start with the Elks, Lions, Price, and Rotary clubs. If he doesn't belong, we'll submit predated registrations, then have him pack it in.

* Throw a fashion designer (think American) onto the team to update the Senator's sartorial image. Preferably not gay, or at least keep the swishy facets to a minimum. No extremes, people. If I'm watching This Week With David Brinkley and I see the candidate in a turtleneck and a Nehru jacket, heads are going to roll.

* Accentuate the babysitting analogy and have the candidate spend an hour or so in day-care centers around the country.

That's it, kids, we got a big job ahead of us, so let's get cracking.

* Portland, Oregon, where when it doesn't rain, they get edgy. 'What's the deal, there's no water in the air. No way you're getting me out in that.'

In an effort to straddle the middle of the road so tightly he runs the risk of having a double yellow line slapped on his forehead by the Transportation Department, Bill Clinton sucked up to the religious right and came out against same-sex marriage. Ooh, there's a courageous political move. But hey, it's an election year. What alternative do gays and lesbians have? Dole? Perot? Buchanan? It's like offering rabbits a choice between starving foxes and the farmer who only eats them a limb at a time. My theory is that gays...