Ivonics lesson.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Humor - ebonics and White English; and other subjects - Off The Map - Column

Well, Clinton's second inaugural was about as thrilling as a fourday camping trip in the parking lot of an abandoned auto-parts store. Most of the President's good friends were at the swearing-in, which means their wardens earned overtime okaying weekend furloughs. They didn't issue a Clinton second-inaugural stamp. Guess they were afraid it wouldn't stick to anything. And, of course, he talked about the bridge to the twenty-first century, but he's got a long way to go before he crosses it. First, there's the leaky raft to Whitewater. Then, the barbed-wire fence to Filegate. Take the broken escalator to Travelgate. The sinking ferry to Indonesia. And, finally, the dimly lit hotel hallway to Paula Jones, which, incidentally, is being partially adjudicated by Clarence Thomas. Isn't that like Dan Quayle hosting a spelling bee?

Actual side-by-side headlines on the front page of The New York Times: `G.O.P. Narrowly Reelects Gingrich as House Speaker, Despite Ethics Accusations,' and `Malaria Makes a Comeback, and Is Deadlier Than Ever.'

Newt Gingrich, the Dennis Rodman of politics, is the first Republican reelected to Speaker of the House in sixty-eight years and, you know, the Speaker is just two chicken bones away from the Presidency. Caution: Bill Clinton does not look like a picky eater. Al Gore could get Dutch Elm disease--every spring you have to worry he's going to show up at the Senate with a yellow chalk circle on his suit. Newtie was spanked with a reprimand by the full House on a 395-to-28 vote, and he was ordered to pay a $300,000 fine for wasting the government's time. You know, I like this precedent. Let's see, in a year, 535 members of Congress, times 300 grand, times 365 days in a year, equals enough to buy a couple of hammers. Now, the Republicans are calling the $300,000 a "reimbursement." I don't care if you call it a donation to the International Tooth Fairy Slush Fund: $300,000 is more than 99 percent of the houses in this country are worth. Hell, in Newt's own district in Georgia, it's a couple of halfway decent neighborhoods. Where he'll get the money is up in the air right now, but I'm fairly certain a series of exercise tapes is out of the question.

I hope you like sideshows, Mr. and Mrs. America, because you're going to see enough of them in the next few months to make the Jim Rose Freak Show look like Sesame Street. Oh sure, the suddenly contrite Newt mumbled the requisite sacred words, "bipartisan spirit." But you can...