It's party time.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Political campaign humor - Off The Map - Column

Hey, government's broke, everybody. Stay home. You know, I'm thinking if we're so broke, maybe we should start acting like we're broke. When families go through bad times, they resort to desperate measures and so should the family that is the United States. First thing we got to do is stop buying new stuff. Why do we need brand-new billion-dollar B-2 fighters? Surely we can squeeze a couple of million more air miles out of our old B-1s. Wax up those puppies in the driveway some Saturday afternoon, and we're set for sorties o'plenty. Take a second job. We're great cops, maybe we could double as security guards at international frat parties. And we could advertise. Put a sign on the Statue of Liberty, Will Work for Wheat. Turn off the lights. To save costs, we should use candles and shut down all the elevators in federal buildings. You save money on electricity, repairs, and medical insurance, since people tend to have heart attacks and not linger. Rent your vacation property. Lease the Hawaiian Islands to Japan. They're the only ones who can afford to go there anyhow. Hell, we could pawn Wyoming. Who would notice? Besides, it's square. We have to get creative, people. Send in your downsizing suggestions.

San Francisco, California, where a group called `San Francisco Beautiful' is complaining about the utility boxes. First they should focus on the tourists. Work their way down the ugly tree. Hard to believe, but we are back at the beginning of another election year. Let us pray. We're as resilient to the whole format as fourth-generation cockroaches are to watered-down Raid. Just to prove it, I compiled a calendar of what we habitual taxpayers can expect in the coming year. Clip and save. All dates are approximate. Your mileage may differ.

February 12: In an attempt to promote their common-man themes, candidates beat each other up to gather contributors to their grassroots, $10,000-a-plate fund-raising dinners.

February 13: H. Ross Perot says, "It's time to take out the trash, clean out the barn, and hose down the pigs." Ted Koppel sadly shakes his head, but his hair refuses to move.

February 15: On a Larry King Live candidate forum in Cedar Rapids, one of the candidates states that it's time to treat the American public as responsible adults and offers a comprehensive outline to reduce the deficit through a national program of shared sacrifice. He is never heard from again.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

February 18: In a freak winter thaw...