Is Committed Desire Intentional? A Qualitative Exploration of Sexual Desire and Differentiation of Self in Couples

• DOI: http://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12108
• Author: Luana Cunha Ferreira,Rosa Novo,Isabel Narciso,Peter Fraenkel
• Date: 01 June 2015
• Published date: 01 June 2015

Is Committed Desire Intentional? A Qualitative

Exploration of Sexual Desire and Differentiation

of Self in Couples

LUANA CUNHA FERREIRA*

,†

PETER FRAENKEL

‡

ISABEL NARCISO*

ROSA NOVO*

The question of what heightens or diminishes sexual desire has long been a passionate

theme across cultures in literature, arts, media, and medicine. Yet, little research has been

conducted to determine what affects level of desire within couples. The degree of differenti-

ation of self has been suggested as an important variable in shaping partners’ level of

desire. Through a qualitative analysis of dyadic couple interviews, this study provides an

account of characteristics, processes, and trajectories of sexual desire and differentiation in

33 heterosexual couples of varying ages and relationship duration. Factors associated with

high desire were change and autonomy, whereas conflict and children were reported to be

desire-diminishing factors. Innovation,sharing,autonomy, and effort emerged as desire-

promoting strategies, while fostering personal interests,investing in a positive connection,

and enhancing personal integrity were identified as couples’ strategies to promote and pre-

serve differentiation of self. The results also shed light on couples’ perceptions of whether

and how sexual desire changes over the course of the relationship and challenge common

cultural assumptions about desire in committed relationships—namely the myth that the

only authentic expression of desire is that which occurs spontaneously and without inten-

tion and planning. Implications for couple therapy are discussed.

Keywords: Sexual Desire; Differentiation of Self; Couples; Qualitative Methods

Fam Proc 54:308–326, 2015

Decrease in sexual desire has been described in the clinical literature and popular

media as one of the main challenges couples face after the initial phase of the rela-

tionship (Bergner, 2013), and reports about it being the main presenting problem in couple

therapy and sex therapy have been established in empirical research (Beck, 1995; Haw-

ton, Catalan & Fagg, 1991). Although both qualitative and quantitative studies have iden-

tified factors that might contribute to diminished desire, like fatigue or lack of erotic

*Clinical Systemic Psychology, Faculty of Psychology, University of Lisbon, Lisbon, Portugal.

†

Faculty of Psychology and Educational Sciences, University of Coimbra, Coimbra, Portugal.

‡

Ackerman Institute for the Family, Department of Psychology, Webster University Vienna, Austria.

Correspondence concerning this article should be address to Luana Cunha Ferreira, Clinical Systemic

Psychology, Faculty of Psychology, University of Lisbon, Alameda da Universidade, 1649-013 Lisboa,

Portugal. E-mail: luanacunhaferreira@gmail.com.

Preliminary results of this study were presented at the 38th Annual Meeting of the International Acad-

emy of Sex Research (July 8–11, 2012, Estoril, Portugal) in a poster titled “Come as you are? Authenticity

and sexual desire in couple relationships”. This research was supported by the Portuguese Foundation for

Science and Technology (PhD grant: SFRH/BD/61853/2009).

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Family Process, Vol. 54, No. 2, 2015 ©2014 Family Process Institute

doi: 10.1111/famp.12108

thoughts (Carvalho & Nobre, 2011; Murray & Milhausen, 2012), recent clinical conceptu-

alizations of low desire in couples suggest that some common characteristics of otherwise

healthy long-term relationships—such as fusional intimacy, predictability, and lack of

autonomy—can reduce dyadic sexual desire (Perel, 2007; Schnarch, 1991, 1997, 2009).

While there are several theories addressing these phenomena—namely those based on

attachment (Greenman & Johnson, 2013), identity (Goldman & Greenberg, 2013), power

(Knudson-Martin, 2013), and behavioral exchange (Gurman, 2013)—the construct of dif-

ferentiation of self provides specific clues regarding desire dynamics. Differentiation of

self—that is, the ability to maintain a sense of personal autonomy while being in a deep

intimate relationship with a partner—was originally conceptualized as an individual in-

tergenerationally based process (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). However, it has been proposed as a

crucial element in couple relationships, particularly with regard to sustaining sexual

desire (Clement, 2002; Schnarch, 1991, 1997, 2009). This association between partners’

level of differentiation of self and sexual desire is based on clinical observations, and lacks

empirical support. This exploratory study investigates this potential association.

The detailed, qualitative assessment of partners’ perspectives on sexual desire has long

been suggested (Tolman & Diamond, 2001), but few studies have been conducted (Brotto,

Heiman, & Tolman, 2009; Sims & Meana, 2010). As few studies of desire have examined

the couple as a unit rather than each partner separately (Brezsnyak & Whisman, 2004;

Mark, 2012; Traeen, Martinussen, €

Oberg, & Kavli, 2007) and as most studies tend to focus

on female participants or college-age couples, little is known about the interactional

patterns that contribute to levels of sexual desire at any one moment and ove r the course

of a couple’s relationship (Muise, Impett, Kogan, & Desmarais, 2012).

The present qualitative study investigated the characteristics, processes, and trajecto-

ries that develop and transform couples’ sexual desire and differentiation, as reported by

couples during conjoint interviews. Reports about the high prevalence of low sexual desire

and associated sexual, psychological, and relational problems (Hayes, Bennett, Fairley, &

Dennerstein, 2006) led to reduced sexual desire being treated as a public health concern

(Traeen et al., 2007). Despite warnings against medicalizing and patholog izing low sexual

desire, especially in women (Tiefer, 2010), low sexual desire has recently received a fair

amount of attention in the medical and psychological literatures. The reported prevalence

of low sexual desire in both sexes varies according to study type (epidemiological or clinical

studies) and inclusion criteria (low or diminished sexual desire vs. Hypoactive Sexual

Desire Disorder). Epidemiological studies report a prevalence of low sexual desire in

Western women ranging from 20 to 36% in premenopausal women (age 20–45 years) to

33–81% in postmenopausal women and of 12.5–17.6% of Western men (Graziottin, 2007;

Laumann et al., 2005; Rosen, 2000; Vendeira, Pereira, & Carvalheira, 2011; Vendeira,

Pereira, Tomada, & De Carvalho, 2011). These study samples were composed of mostly

married individuals, but also included participants who were in a civil partnership. In one

of the few studies specifically assessing sexual desire in couples, Traeen et al. (2007),

recruited a random sample of 399 Norwegian heterosexual couples (aged 22–67 years,

average of 45 years) and found that in 26% of the couples, only the female partner had

experienced distressing loss of desire; in 8% of the couples, only the male partner did; and

in 8% of couples both partners experienced a distressing loss of desire, thus supporting the

notion that low sexual desire is more common in women.

A satisfactory level of sexual desire has been associated with several individual and

relational benefits, in both clinical and community samples—namely, couple and sexual

satisfaction (Brezsnyak & Whisman, 2004) and relationship stability (Impett, Strachman,

Finkel, & Gable, 2008). Loss of sexual desire has been associated with sexual distres s,

diminished sexual satisfaction, stress and fatigue (Connor et al., 2011), and low relation-

ship adjustment (Trudel, Landry, & Larose, 1997). In a recent Portuguese study, women

Fam. Proc., Vol. 54, June, 2015

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