Inhabited by a cry.

• Author: Van Gelder, Kiera
• Position: Psychology - Book - Excerpt

PEOPLE DO NOT WANT to be labeled by their problems, but I always will be grateful that mine can be named. I was 31 when the doctor told me. We were sitting in one of the bare interview rooms of the hospital, the very same place I had been taken to as a teenager when I first had run away from home. So, what reason brought me there now, decades later? I could not speak; I was crying too hard. When I regained my voice, I told him as much as the 20 minutes would allow: the numerous failed attempts to hold jobs and relationships; the other hospitalizations, diagnoses, therapies, and 12-step programs; symptoms of emotional distress; flights of escape; medication, more medication.

At the end of my story, and full circle back to the green hospital grounds, the doctor put his clipboard aside, spread his fingers over the pressed blue fabric of his knees, and said "I know your problem." I strained in my chair, ready to catch his words. "Borderline personality disorder," he declared, then waited a beat. "It's a condition of extreme mood instability, a fear of abandonment, an uncertain sense of self." He leaned forward. "Does that make any sense to you?" Though confused, I nodded. I'd had many recurring diagnoses over the years, but this was a disorder I never had heard of. "A pervading sense of emptiness," he continued, now ticking off his fingers. "Recurrent suicidal behavior, including self mutilation." He listed the nine symptoms, or criteria, of BPD and when he had finished, I mentally had checked off all of them. "Of course, saying you have BPD is just a convenient way of explaining your behavior. A personality disorder can't simply be cured with a pill."

Taking a white business card from the pile stacked by his elbow on the otherwise empty desk, he wrote down a name and number on the back and instructed me to make an appointment for a new kind of treatment called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. "You will learn equanimity," he promised and then stared almost too candidly into my eyes. "You are a woman of great passion. What you'll learn to do is channel that energy, to control it, rather than the other way around, and when you do," he smiled, "there will be no need for a diagnosis."

"You can't be borderline," my friend Laura said on the phone. "Borderline is Glen Close in 'Fatal Attraction,' or that movie about the psycho roommate, what was that?"

"'Single White Female,'" I reminded her.

"That's not you!"

Laura has known me for many years. In fact...