Infomercials - television's newest success.

• Author: Saltzman, Joe
• Position: Words and Images - Column

THE CRITICS and those who say there is nothing worth watching on television haven't been turning on the set much these days. For most viewers, there is simply too much to watch.

Programs the critics cited as previous years' best--"I Love Lucy," "The Dick Van Dyke Show," "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," "Taxi," "Cheers," "thirtysomething," "L.A. Law," "I'll Fly Away," and "Hill Street Blues" to name just a few--are syndicated both on broadcast and cable channels. One California viewer is addicted to Arts & Entertainment from six a.m. to four p.m., watching a solid bank of mystery programs including such old favorites as "Columbo," "McCloud," "McMillan and Wife," and "The Rockford Files." Another is hooked on Lifetime's steady programming of female-oriented shows, including "Moonlighting" and "Sisters." The Family Channel offers regular helpings of "Bonanza" and "Gunsmoke." USA Network has sexy original movies along with "Murder, She Wrote."

There also are American Movie Classics 24 hours a day; Bravo for music and foreign films; the Cable News Network, Headline News, C-Span, ESPN, and the Weather Channel for endless information; Comedy Central, Nickelodeon, and the Cartoon Network for comedy and kid's programming; TNT and TBS for old movies and specials; MTV and Video Hits One (VH-1) for music videos; premium channels including Disney, HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax; and even interactive TV: Home Shopping Network and QVC Network so you can shop and never drop.

So, with all of this to flip through, why do so many people skip it all to watch infomercials? Usually 30 minutes long, infomercials are out to sell viewers products that you probably never head about, often featuring a personality or celebrity you have heard about. These are the only TV programs in history that are one long commercial that breaks for short commercials for the very same product.

These commercial-docs try to sell everything from weight reduction methods and exercise machines to gadgets that clean floors, cut your hair, or cook your food to ways to make your body, face, and life look and feel better. John Tesch and his wife Connie Seleca hawk a program they swear will improve your marriage. Dionne Warwick fronts a 900-line for psychics. Jane Fonda and a group of fitness experts try to sell her motorless treadmill.

There's one invention that can be taken to the beach and filled up with newspaper so you can cook your hamburgers and hot dogs without any charcoal or fuss. Dick...