Improving the "converse" universe.

• Author: Tumlin, Geoffrey
• Position: Life in America - Communication

ONE OR TWO BAD communication habits is all it takes to cause a lifetime of trouble and, with today's quick and easy methods of communication, it is all too easy for bad habits to work their way in. You overreact to an e-mail--not for the first time--and send off a furious and damaging reply. Your spouse accuses you of not listening (again) and you sheepishly have to admit (again) that she is right. You offend your "friends" or followers on a social media platform with yet another ill-advised attempt at humor, or you cannot resist a snarky comeback to a difficult customer's provocation, even though you immediately regret your words.

When bad communication habits take over, the reputation you worked so hard to cultivate takes a beating. These habits are the punishment that keeps on giving. Even if you suffer from only one, it can recur in dozens of conversations and cause damage each time.

This is the best time in human history to be a competent communicator. Yes, it can be incredibly difficult to break free of the bad habits associated with the distraction, expediency, self-expression, and excess that characterize so much of our digital-age communication, yet if we are willing to cast off some of our bad communication habits, we can optimize opportunities to connect productively and meaningfully with other people.

Here are some of the most common bad communication habits that need to be shed:

Letting the Neanderthal pick your words. When we are agitated, irritated, or frustrated, a battle plays out between our primitive, impulse-driven Neanderthal brain and our more modern, thoughtful, and deliberative brain. While the Neanderthal parts of our brain are indispensable when we are in physical danger, they are terrible at picking our words, which is better left to our more analytical modern brain, because the Neanderthal prefers to club first and ask questions later.

The problem is that, although words can build relationships only slowly, they can cause damage with lightning speed. A blurted retort, a thoughtless tweet, or a hasty remark can--and does--land people in hot water all the time. When the Neanderthal chooses our words, it never ends well.

A simple but powerful way to improve your communication is to stop talking and think for a minute whenever you are frustrated or upset. You do not need to take a vow of silence, but you do need to pause long enough to keep your more thoughtful and deliberative brain in charge of selecting the words...