I [??] NY.

• Author: Clinton, Kate
• Position: Unplugged

Just to let you know: My apartment will e available for rent during the Republican Convention to be held in New York City in 2004. If there is a New York City in 2004.

Like all other American buildings these days, it is prewar. It is a safe and secure space. During all the terrorizing talk about terrorists bivouacking in Big Apple apartments, actual New Yorkers slept well at night, secure in the knowledge that their co-op boards--which demand stacks of the most intimate financial, professional, and intestinal information, all in septuplicate, with notary embossments--are the true first line of defense against domestic terror.

As a matter of fact, I would nominate Rosemary, my coop board president, to replace Tom Ridge on the reddest of days. Guantanamo Bay interrogators could learn a few things at prospective tenant interviews.

Republicans, New York in August, yum. You can feel the suspense here already: Who will the Republicans nominate to run in 2004? I'm faint.

Why are they even having a convention here?

Did someone say 9/11?

Apparently, Republicans are allowed to use the 9/11 tragedy for political purpose while the Democrats are not. Jackass: The Party will be holding its convention in Boston, and Rosie Ruiz will be the keynote speaker: "How to win a race without breaking into a sweat."

Why the Democrats did not choose to hold their convention in Flint, Michigan, or any other mid-sized city reeling from the effects of Bushonomics says so much about their leader(less)ship. Big Dig this: Impeach Terry McAuliffe.

New York's Republicrat mayor, Michael Bloomberg, has had to resort to a ruthless parking ticket campaign to raise revenue, and he is also attempting to bag the 2012 Summer Olympics cash cow. In a city where scaffolding is the state bird, Olympic preparations promise more highway and stadium construction nightmares.

So I think we should save time and money and combine the Republican Convention and the Summer Olympics. Both share a rich tradition. Not just Mitt Romney. If you win the silver, you whine like crazy, get a judge to step in, change the decision, and boom, you've won the gold. Let's put it this way: The Gymster-in-Chief would love it.

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