I'm with stupid.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Satire on Pat Buchanan, Congressional Republicans' budget cuts, and other topics - Column

Pat Buchanan returned to the site of his greatest triumph, the 1992 New Hampshire primary, to announce his candidacy for Fuhrer. Responding to hecklers, Buchanan said there is no room in the Republican Party for racists. Geez, I knew there were a lot of them, I didn't know all the slots were full. Must be an affirmative-action program. This guy is the whitest human on the face of the planet. The man who would be beige. If he were any more Caucasian he would be translucent. Standing beside him, Newt Gingrich looks like a raving choreographer. This is the man who David Duke refuses to associate with for fear of being labeled an extremist. Kind of a Diet Duke, with all the paranoia but only half the guilt. His followers are not much more than skinheads with hair. He's calling for a return to traditional American values--code for debtors' prison. And he has a secret test he wants applied to Hillary Clinton: if she doesn't float, she's not a witch.

* Washington, DC, the Florence of Malfeasance, largest Superfund Site in America

Defending budget-cutting proposals, the House Republicans held a press conference to announce that they are not ogres. Later, they circulated a statement that revealed neither are they trolls, mutants, or stitched-together pieces of the formerly dead, filled with the same fluid that made Reagan appear so lifelike for so long. With the exception of Bob Dornan, that is.

School lunches, Public Broadcasting. Even service cuts on Amtrak, which means what--they're going to tear out the seats? All this I can maybe kinda feebly understand. But winter heating subsidies to the elderly? We can't even find it in our hearts to provide a stocking full of coal? Are we the Gorgar People now? Why not just cut to the chase and ship everybody who hits age sixty-five to the Aleutian Islands and set them out on ice floes armed with nothing more than blankets, matches, and pointy sticks?

Of course, to Congress, the blankets would be considered a non-recoverable government expenditure. Although, if we made the blankets out of ripe cod scales, we could get those Navy dolphins to retrieve them. No. Afghans. We could use real Afghan hound-skin straight from those elitist art wonks who lost their jobs during the Great Art Purge of 1995. What twisted logic allows these squeezebags to defend eliminating heating subsidies to the elderly?

"They're all bent over. Heat rises. They should lower their ceilings."

"My parents live in Florida. Don't...