I do weddings.

• Author: Clinton, Kate
• Position: Unplugged

You've all heard my Peggy Lee lip-syncing "Is that all there is?" gay marriage whine. The next sound you'll hear is me jumping on the Same Sex Marriage Express. I am joining the Gay Marriage Industrial Complex!

Quite frankly, I am not going to let another gay wave pass me by.

I missed the rainbow tchotchke cash cow. Who knew?

I missed the gays on TV bonanza, but so did a lot of other actual gay people.

I missed the Gay Cruise treasure chest.

This time around, I will not be left at the altar.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, and that's just what I intend to do.

Judy Dlugasz, the founder of Olivia Cruises who does shipboard ceremonies (a twofer, she's brilliant!), told me how to get a minister's license from the Universal Life Church.

The ULC people will e-confer your ministership at no cost, but I splurged, and for $109, plus shipping and handling, I got the deluxe reverend package. In addition to my minister's license with my name in a very convincing liturgical font, it includes a wedding business training video for ministers and a revised and very helpful "Ultimate Wedding & Ceremony Workbook" for the planning-impaired.

I am most proud of my wallet-sized hologram license and the six-by-nine-inch orange laminated "Parking--Minister's Business" placard to display on my dashboard. The fine print says that parking privileges are not recognized in New York City, and that I am not authorized to do circumcisions. Otherwise I am good to go-d.

Like those itinerant clerics who traveled during the summer months and took over for vacationing priests, I hope to help out this summer in Provincetown, bur without the pedophilia.

My wedding package, The Rite Stuff; includes one hour of pre-marriage counseling (because I don't want to hear much more about it than that); the ceremony itself (I'm very good with parents); and the reception after. My motto: "Every reception needs a wedding zinger."

My friend from...