Hormoneland security.

• Author: Clinton, Kate
• Position: Unplugged

I liked George better when he was just reading to the kids, as was his former photo-op wont. But now he's reading to the grownups, and it's not a pretty sight. He gives pep talks that make the market tank by the end of the day. He shows up with the big "I care" messages splayed on the backdrop like scrolls of tacky ethical wallpaper: "Corporate Responsibility," "Homeland Security," "War on Terror." The words appear to be going in one of his ears and out the other.

In his address to Wall Street, he did not look good. He read his solutions for corporate mal-whatever. ("Gimme an M. Gimme an A.... What's that spell?") Double the incarceration for mal-doers who will never be incarcerated anyway. Bring on the SEC SWAT teams (as if!). When all else fails, invade Iraq and impeach Bill Clinton again.

At a press conference the day before, reporters had asked him direct questions, and that was frustrating for the poor guy. His brow was more furrowed than a Westminster Shar-Pei, and a bucket of Botox couldn't smooth it out.

When the emperor has to wear clothes, don't make him wear that black and white moral hound's tooth. Blame it on Karen. She left, and everything went to smash.

A little perspective, please. White watergate started as an investigation of a $100,000 land deal--chump change to the curb!--and ended $50 million later with impeachment proceedings. But this financial scandal is much bigger. There's blow jobs, and there's snow jobs. And right now, we're snowed under.

But don't hold your breath waiting for the Democrats to capitalize on this scandal. Where is the Democrat's Ken "Jean Valjean" Starr? Please put away that eyebrowless Dick Gephardt. I swear if the Dems got hold of a picture of George drunk, naked, going down on Ari Fleischer in the Lincoln Bedroom with Dick Cheney at the door selling tickets to watch, they would not know what to do with it.

The disclosure of the fraudulent "restatement of earnings" coincides with...