Hold the milk.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Political humor - Off The Map - Column

Well, thank God Warren Christopher is out at the State Department. I always worried when he went to state funerals that foreign dignitaries might think we were mocking their deceased leader by sending a corpse. Christopher: The only guy in America who makes Dr. Kevorkian seem chipper.

Now they're gearing up for term two of the Clinton Administration, and it's going to be about as smooth as a gravel milk shake. Everybody says there's going to be lots of cooperation between both sides of Congress and the White House, and there will be. At least as far as what shape the Senate investigation tables will take.

And there will be investigations. Tons of them. Disney will do a follow-up: 101 Investigations. Only the part of Cruella de Vil will be played by Al D'Amato. "I want those subpoenas!"

Personally, I'm looking forward to the explanation of how a person earning $22,000 a year can afford to contribute $12,500 to a Presidential campaign. A frugal patriot with a commitment to excellence is my guess.

[right arrow] In San Francisco, an undercover sting caught a coffee roaster pawning off cheap Panamanian beans as expensive Kona beans. I wonder If the Informant was wired.

House Speaker Newt Gingrich just got his wrist slapped with a loosely packed goosedown pillow covered in velvet. He recently admitted breaking House rules and causing "a controversy which could weaken the faith people have in their government."

"Weaken"? No, Newt, I think "reinforce" is the verb you're looking for. "Augment." "Bolster." "Fortify." "Support."

The Congressional Ethics Committee--one of the more creative oxymorons currently in use ("guaranteed pension" and "McDonald's nutritional chart" are others of note)--has charged the Newtmeister with providing it with "inaccurate, incomplete, and unreliable information." Or, in layman's terms: "liar, liar, pants on fire."

No matter that Newt spent most of the last two years whimpering and sniveling about how the liberal press was "out to get" him. Republican colleagues promptly issued a statement saying Mr. Gingrich's admission showed he was a "determined leader capable of learning from his mistakes. "

Well, if this Evil Dough Boy learns any more, Stephen Hawking may be forced to give up his "Smartest Man in the Universe" award.

[right arrow] In Appleton, Wisconsin, In the heart of the Fox River Valley, a tourist's delight, we went to the Houdini Museum on Friday. Then on Saturday, we went back. You miss so much the first time...