Healing Intergenerational Wounds: An Integrative Relational–Neurobiological Approach

• Date: 01 December 2019
• Author: Mona DeKoven Fishbane
• DOI: http://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12488
• Published date: 01 December 2019

Healing Intergenerational Wounds: An Integrative

Relational–Neurobiological Approach

MONA DEKOVEN FISHBANE*

Old resentments and unfinished business from the family of origin can constrain adults

in current relationships with parents or siblings and negatively affect relationships with

partners or children. This article explores how old wounds get reactivated in current rela-

tionships and contribute to the intergenerational transmission of painful legac ies and

trauma. Building on intergenerational family theory and interpersonal neurobiology, the

dynamics of reactivity and pathways for growth are explored. While much of the time the

human brain is on autopilot, driven by habits and emotional reactivity, we are capable of

bringing prefrontal thoughtfulness and choice to close relationships. Rather than being vic-

tims of parents or our past, we can become authors of our own relational life. Interventions

are offered to help adult clients “wake from the spell of childhood,” heal intergenerational

wounds, and “grow up” relationships with family of origin. The damage caused by parent-

blaming in therapy is explored and contrasted with Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy’s emphasis on

rejunctive action and cultivating resources of trustworthiness in intergenerational rela-

tionships. The family is considered both in its cultural context—including stressors and

resources for resilience—and in its life cycle context. Aging in the intergenerational family

is discussed, focusing on ways adult children and their parents can grow and flourish with

the challenges at this time of life. Throughout, the theme of relational ethics—how we can

live according to our values and “reach for our best self” in intergenerational relationships

—informs the discussion.

Keywords: Intergenerational Wounds; Fa mily of Origin; Intergenerational Legacies;

Intergenerational Transmission; Interpersonal Neurobiology; Intergenerational

Fam Proc 58:796–818, 2019

In working with an adult individual or couple in therapy, it often emerges that a current

impasse is fueled by unfinished business from past relationships, especially the family

of origin. Vulnerabilities and survival strategies formed in childhood may persevere into

adulthood, negatively impacting clients in their relational lives now. This article offers an

approach to healing old intergenerational wounds with adult clients, informed by sy stemic

and multigenerational theory, as well as by the growing field of interpersonal neurobiol-

ogy. It addresses multiple factors fueling family reactivity and offers an integrative thera-

peutic approach that allows clients to grow beyond old constraints and make relational

choices in keeping with their higher values.

Intergenerational work may be prompted by a family crisis, in which an entire family—

adults and their siblings and parents—seek counseling; or a subsystem may come for help,

*Chicago Center for Family Health, Chicago, IL.

Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Mona DeKoven Fishbane, E-mail:

monafishbane@gmail.com.

I am grateful to Marsha Mirkin, Corky Becker, and the anonymous reviewers for their insightful feed-

back on earlier drafts of this paper.

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Family Process, Vol. 58, No. 4, 2019 ©2019 Family Process Institute

doi: 10.1111/famp.12488

for example, a sibling group, or parents and a child. This article focuses on family-of-origin

work in the context of individual or couple therapy when unresolved issues from the fam-

ily of origin are identified as affecting the current functioning of the adult client. The

approach presented here builds on the contributions of pioneers in intergenerational fam-

ily therapy—especially Murray Bowen and Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy—and subsequent gen-

erations of intergenerational theorists and clinicians.

PART ONE: INTERGENERATIONAL IMPASSES

The Past Haunts Us: Unfinished Business from the Family of Origin

An otherwise competent adult may regress to the level of an angry adolescent when

dealing with parents or siblings. Flying home for a visit can turn a 40-year-old into a reac-

tive, disempowered child. Why is it so easy to lose one’s higher self when in the orbit of the

family of origin? Why does the past have such a hold?

Some people deal with the pain of their past by moving far from their parents, taking

“the geographical cure” (Walsh, 2016a), or they cut off entirely. These “cures” rarely work,

as unfinished business from the family of origin continues to haunt the individual in a

new, faraway home. Others are stuck in an over-functioning role. Parentified children

with too much responsibility when young, they remain trapped in the caretaker role with

parents and often in other relationships as well.

Scratch the surface of an unhappy couple’s impasse and you may hear echoes of child-

hood experiences of loneliness, fear, longing, or anger. Clients live out self-defeating sce-

narios from the past in current relationships, carrying resentments from childhood that

distort their perceptions and behavior. Psychodynamic therapists call this transference.

As William Faulkner (1975) noted, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” Old

wounds are replayed in intimate adult relationships, with our partner—and often with

our children as well. “When unresolved issues are writing our life story, we are not our

own autobiographers; we are merely recorders of how the past continues, often without

our awareness, to intrude upon our present experience and shape our future direction”

(Siegel & Hartzell, 2003, p. 28).

But we are not doomed to carry grievances and re-create past relational scenarios for-

ever. We can reckon with childhood wounds and transform our relationship with them,

freeing ourselves to be more flexible and resilient in our current relational life. Rather

than being victims of the past, we can become authors of our own life, with active agency

for healing and growth.

The shift from victimhood to authorship with regard to family of origin involves work-

ing on internal perspectives and feelings from the past, as well as transforming current

relationships with parents and siblings. We will consider both. The goal is to widen the

lens so one is less trapped in a constraining story about the family of origin, and, where

possible, to “grow up” current interactions with family members (Fishbane, 2013b) .

A Relational, Multigenerational Perspective

The dominant culture in the United States promotes individualism and competition.

Older psychological perspectives endorsed independence and separation/individuation as

hallmarks of adult development. But current research and theory from human develop-

ment, psychology, attachment, and neuroscience suggest that humans are fundamentally

social creatures, interdependent throughout life (Fishbane, 2001; Lieberman, 2013).

Wired to connect

The child’s brain is wired through attuned connection with parents and caregivers

(Siegel, 2015). Nurture matters. While human infants are born with genetic

Fam. Proc., Vol. 58, December, 2019

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