Have Bridge, Will Bomb.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: NATO-Yugoslavia conflict - Brief Article

Hey, everybody, guess what? The United States has a missile deficit. I Who would have thunk? It seems we, a.k.a. The Good Guys, have pummeled those pesky Serbs close to submission with too many cruise missiles, and now we're running out. Of missiles, that is, not Serbian targets.

Doesn't that just wrap your undies in a knot the size of Madagascar? Poor Uncle Sam in his stocking feet padding to the missile cupboard and coming up empty. Oh, sure, he's got 2,000 Tomahawks left in the downstairs pantry, but only two-thirds of those are the most excellent kind with new improved Crater Helper, and he's expected to whip through 300 of them next week taking out bridges and orphanages and such in the name of humanity. Originally designed to carry nuclear payloads, the Tomahawks wowed critics in their premier performance as tactical weapons during Desert Storm and graduated to become the entire offensive line of the Pentagon. Unfortunately, production stopped in 1997 to develop an even hunkier tactical cruise missile with Amazing Cluster Crystals, but it won't be ready for four years.

However, don't you for a minute think the good old U.S.A. doesn't have standby plans. We are seriously considering upgrading 146 dumb bombs with conversion kits costing $350,000 apiece. But, unfortunately, dumb school seems to be booked up by NATO for next semester, so we might be forced to wage the rest of this non-war with ground troops, which, as we know, is so barbaric.

Frequently asked questions about the Kosovo bombing:

Q: What does NATO call the bombing?

A: Humanitarian intervention, which is a lot like calling mustard gas a really strong antihistamine.

Q: How do we refer to Slobodan Milosevic?

A: The Serbian Strongman, which he should have known was not a good sign. "Strongman" is U.S. shorthand for "guy whose country we're about to bomb back to the Stone Age."

Q: What happened to the peace talks?

A: You don't hold peace talks near Paris, for crum's sake. Didn't we learn anything from Vietnam?

Q: Where should they be held?

A: Places people don't want to be. Dayton springs to mind. And Belgrade. Jersey.

Q: Why are the Serbs opposed to an Albanian ethnic majority?

A: We've asked them and can't seem to get a straight answer. All we get is something that sounds like "not in my backyard" in Serbian.

Q: What are they trying to do about it?

A: The Serbian thought goes, we have to make Serbs the majority here, and there are two ways to do it: One is to make more Serbs...