HALLOWEEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE (A LITTLE) SCARY.

• Author: Skenazy, Lenore

HEY THERE, PARENTS! Got a giggly little ghost or goblin heading out for Halloween? Not for long.

That's basically the bottom line when it comes to the advice parents get this time of year. Because Halloween combines the two things we fear most in America today--kids actually leaving the house, and food other than hummus and baby carrots being fed to them--it has become an orgy of safety warnings wrapped up in the kind of fake cheer that makes you want to reach for your scythe.

"Halloween is an amazing holiday, when kids get to indulge in make-believe play and of course tons of candy! Unfortunately, as fun as this spooky holiday can be, it is statistically one of the most dangerous nights of the year."

So begins a typical upbeat/doomsday blog post, this one by a pediatrician who divides her warnings into such chipper categories as "Candy Catastrophes" and "Burns, Bruises and Broken Bones."

Burns are bad. Putting lit candles into pumpkins does seem stupid in this post-Edison era. But the author suggests that you not only get your kid a costume that isn't flammable, you also "go over and practice the principle of stop-drop-roll with your child, just in case his or her clothes catch on Are."

Hey kids! Let's get ready for a fun night... and melted flesh! A tradition that is actually extremely benign--kids playing dress-up and visiting the neighbors--is seen through the lens of extreme risk aversion, with every aspect given the attention usually reserved for a plane crash post-mortem.

"The nature of the holiday alone can make it perilous, as children wear loose fitting costumes." That's the staid U.S. News&World Report, getting worked up about tripping. Tripping! Kids trip all the time, but come Halloween that fact is rewritten as a "peril" that parents must take serious steps to avoid. The mommy blog She Knows goes so far as to tell parents to case the route in advance to make sure there are no "sidewalks in disrepair."

I guess if there's a crack, everyone will just have to stay home and play video games instead.

"Masks can limit your kid's range of vision," warns another safety site--which then warns about the alternative to masks: "Make sure to test any face paint on a small patch of skin a few days before Halloween to make sure your kid doesn't have a bad reaction."...