Guns for teachers.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Satire of mega bank mergers, election of Mary Bono as representative of Palm Springs, CA, and other topics

We here at YourBank know you ust be a little worried about all the big mergers going on. And, well, you should be. So let us put your mind at rest by insisting these changes are not for us. They're designed with you, our valued customer, in mind. Just trying to streamline operations to make it easier for you, our most precious collateral. We know you don't need a lot of perplexing "choices" to slow down your day, so here at YourBank, we're doing our best to make sure that when the smoke clears, we'll remain standing as your one and only choice when seeking financial security. We'd also like to take this time to introduce the new One Rate ATM fees from YourBank. Aren't you tired of all those confusing charges for automated banking? Who wouldn't be? One institution tacks on an outrageous fee for each on-line service dial-up, while another establishment nails you for even more, just for using their ATM. Well, at YourBank, we've taken the guesswork out of banking. Each transaction is the same, special, low, userfriendly price of $5. That way, you'll know you're getting the same beneficial, easy-to-remember rate each and every time you do business with us. No hassles. No confusion. Just the same convenient price. Anytime. Anywhere. For anything. You'll never have to wonder if you're being ripped off again. Remember, at YourBank, we're working harder to make your money our money.

[right arrow] Palm Springs, California, rejected Senate candidate Papa Walton in favor of Mary Bono, Sonny's widow. We can only wonder what would have happened had Cher entered the race.

I'm sure, like me, you were saddened to hear about Tammy Wynette. Of course, we all know what caused her untimely death: El Nino. El Nino has been blamed for everything from the poor box-office performance of Primary Colors to the substandard quality of strip bars around the New Orleans airport. The only good news is El Nino is about to go out with a gasping whimper, to be replaced by La Nina. Who knows what fresh havoc the Nino's sister will wreak.

[right arrow] In Washington, D.C., the cherry blossoms bloomed and dropped like tiny subpoenas, leaving behind unique Starr cherries.

It's a day of monumental upheaval here in the nation's capital, where the spirit of red-white-and-blue bipartisanship is shaking the town like a hula dancer with a hot foot. In news a little less stunning than Bill Gates's announcement that he plans on bequeathing all his Microsoft stock to the Vietnamese...