Grasping for identity.

• Author: Standing, Jos-Madelaine
• Position: ON THE COUCH - Victims and survivors

VICTIM is not a bad word; it simply is a description of one of the realities that we possess within ourselves. Part of my truth is that I always will be a victim of rape, a survivor of rape, and a thriver after rape. A thriver is a victor. The state between victim and victor is the state of being a survivor. When something horrible happens, like the earthquakes that leveled Nepal to rubble not once, but twice, in 2015, or the tsunami that hit Thailand in 2004, and we get through it, we may scream, "I survived!" We feel relief, but also some guilt if others have been harmed instead of us.

As we start to move forward, to have realizations about the life-giving part of our trauma, we are on the path to thriving. What is meant by life giving? There are certain ways that we may begin to look at traumatic events that give us enough perspective that our ability to co-create our next, deeply rewarding experience in life is within reach. We suddenly are able to see that even a horrible event only was what it was--an experience in our lives.

Even our initial response to trauma, on some level, was meant to be. Our darkest experiences are capable of pulling something beautiful and courageous out of us that restores our sense of wholeness. Latent strengths and talents emerge that make us more resilient as our recovery progresses and we create newfound purpose and meaning in our lives. Understand this: the moment we can see the good that has come about because we survived, we are, in fact, on the road to thriving in our lives once again and becoming a victor.

Being a victim, a survivor, or a victor is a matter of subjective experience. Each of us has all three of these characters inside of us. We never are one of the three permanently, no matter what family we come from, who we know, or how much money we have. Each of us constantly shifts among these three states of being and self-images throughout the different stages of our lives. For instance, an intrinsic component of being a victim is having something unexpected happen. We are not ready for whatever the circumstance may be. With the element of surprise comes utter shock. In that moment, we are victims. Therefore, each one of us who shares the common thread of vulnerability in his or her human nature cannot and will not escape being victimized at one point or another. It is human, after all.

Now, do we walk around screaming at the top of our lungs that we are victims or vulnerable? Probably not...