My Gonzo Run for Congress.

• Author: Murphy, Ian

I did everything wrong. My campaign website featured a banner with my head Photoshopped onto the shirtless, flexing torso of Craigslist Congressman" Chris Lee, whose abandoned seat I was wing to fill. During my first televised interview, I was disheveled, uncommunicative, and high on hillbilly heroin. I rented a colonial-era costume and crashed a tea party jamboree. I told New York magazine that I'm a "militant atheist" and that Buffalo, New York, "fucking sucks." I demanded that my opponents produce their birth certificates--the long forms. I even volunteered for a rival's campaign. But was it wrong enough?

I should really start from the beginning. In the wise words of Michele Bachmann, "A cell became a blade of grass, which became a starfish, which became a cat, which became a donkey, which became a human being." Fast-forward 6,000 years--give or take--and I get a text message while sitting in the Newark airport, which Continental Airlines would have me believe is somewhere between Madison, Wisconsin, and Buffalo. The members of the New York State Green Party had voted unanimously to place me on the ballot in New York State's 26th District special Congressional election.

What the hell were they thinking?

In a press release, New York State Green Party co-chair Peter LaVenia said, "Ian Murphy has been portrayed by the media as the nation's most famous prank caller, but his call to [Wisconsin] Governor [Scott] Walker was done to point out how entwined the Democrats and Republicans are with the corporate elite."

What the hell was I thinking?

The purportedly liberal media, which adored the Walker jape, suddenly lost my number. With few exceptions, I was either ridiculed or ignored by the press. The unspoken narrative was that I was scum, a megalomaniac, a spoiler, Ralph Nader--but paranoid, stupid, and fat!

NY-26 has been, historically, redder than a baboons ass. And the Republican nominee, Jane Corwin, a state assemblywoman and telephone book fortune heiress, was the presumptive, platinum-haired multimillionaire for the job. Her Democratic opponent, Kathy Hochul, was Corwin lite, sans the robotic charm. In her successful bid for county clerk, Hochul had secured the New York State Conservative Party endorsement. She was part of the problem, part of the triangulating disease--the madness.

In the first half of the race, Hochul's platform consisted solely of business-friendly platitudes, forced smiles, and shameless pandering. Here's an excerpt...