The gift of being there for a seriously ill loved one.

• Author: Apollon, Susan
• Position: Medicine & Health - Patient's psychological management

IT WAS THREE WEEKS AGO that Sarah, one of your best friends since college, found the lump. The days following the news have been a maelstrom of medical appointments, tests, and tearful phone calls. Yesterday's call brought the grim news: metastasized breast cancer. Sarah's chances of survival, says her oncologist, are tenuous at best. Now, as you huddle miserably in the hotel room in the city where your friend is hospitalized, you cannot seem to motivate yourself to get dressed. You are supposed to be visiting her right now--but you have no idea what you are going to say.

If you can relate to this scenario, you are not alone. Few prospects are more daunting than facing a loved one who has just received terrible news. Finding out a friend or family member has a life-threatening illness can knock you off your foundations. It brings all sorts of intense issues--death, dying, loss, love, spirituality--to the surface. Many people have no idea what to do with the powerful emotions that well up. No wonder we do not know how to "be there" for a loved one since we really do not know how to "be there" for ourselves.

If--or, as is much more likely, when--you are in this situation, remember two overarching principles: First, no physician knows how long any patient will live. Patients defy the odds every day and real, documented miracle healings have occurred. This knowledge should provide hope. Second, realize that you can make the choice to work through your fear and share pure, unconditional love with your loved one. Giving this gift enriches that individual's life as well as your own.

Remember, intention is everything. To a far greater extent than most people realize, we create our own realities. If your intention is to help your friend laugh and feel good and enjoy his or her life while you are there, then clearly state that before you leave for the hospital. Hold that intention throughout the visit. If your intention is to rush in, make perfunctory small talk for 10 minutes, then flee before things get too "heavy," well, you can achieve that, too--but it will not feel good for either party.

Moreover, make sure you are in a place of peace before you visit. This probably is the most important advice of all. It has been said so often that it almost has become cliche: You cannot help a loved one if you do not take care of yourself first. You cannot be a healing influence if you have not healed yourself. It is vital to get in touch with how you are...