Gender and the Construction of Intimacy among Committed Couples with Children

• Date: 01 June 2015
• DOI: http://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12100
• Author: Conroy Reynolds,Carmen Knudson‐Martin
• Published date: 01 June 2015

Gender and the Construction of Intimacy among

Committed Couples with Children

CONROY REYNOLDS*

CARMEN KNUDSON-MARTIN

†,‡

This study began with curiosity regarding how long-term couples with children manage

their relationships in view of changing societal demands and ideals. Couples interviewed

for this study described the intersection of time and intimacy as a core issue. Thus, this

analysis focused on how couples construct intimacy in shared time. The diverse sample

included 17 heterosexual working and professional class couples in the United States who

had been committed for at least 10 years and whose oldest child was aged 6–16. Analysis

identified four types of shared time experiences: gender divided, elusive, growing , and emo-

tionally connected. Four factors influenced these types: (a) negotiated gendered differences,

(b) intentionality, (c) mutual attending, and (d) dyadic friendship. Th e most emotionally

connected couples reported that time together reinforced satisfaction and pleasure from

their relationships. Results help explain different ways couples successfully negotiate

changing expectations for heterosexual relationships and why some couples struggle. Find-

ings suggest that therapists help couples intentionally develop habits of fri endship and

mutual attending.

Keywords: Time Together; Intimacy; Emotional Connection; Gender; Couples

Fam Proc 54:293–307, 2015

TIME TOGETHER: GENDER AND THE CONSTRUCTION OF INTIMACY AMONG

COMMITTED COUPLES WITH CHILDREN

Contemporary couples face changing—and often conflicting—expectations regarding

what it means to live and love together (Amato, Booth, Johnson, & Rogers, 2007;

Coontz, 2005; Knudson-Martin & Mahoney, 2009). Despite such pressures, desires for

deeper intimacy and mutually satisfying exchanges are increasing (Fishbane, 2011; Knud-

son-Martin, 2013). Consequently, processes related to intimacy such as increased self-

disclosure, understanding, and emotional sharing remain common clinical goals (Carter

& Carter, 2010; Greenman & Johnson, 2013; Wile, 2013).

In this qualitative grounded theory study, we set out to discover how rela tively stable

couples who have also been dealing with parental and other time demands for an extended

period manage the intimate aspects of their relationships. Our study participants repeat-

edly named “time together” as fundamental to their experiences of intimacy and important

*Clinical Mental Health Program, University of Redlands, Redlands CA.

†

Department of Counseling and Family Sciences, Loma Linda University, Loma Linda CA.

Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Conroy Reynolds, University of Redlands,

Box 3080, Redlands, CA 92373-0999. E-mail: conroyreynolds32@msn.com

‡

Carmen Knudson-Martin is now at CounselingPsychology Department, Lewis and Clark College, Port-

land, OR.

The first author thanks Evan Imber-Black and the Family Process Institute New Writers Fellowship

for assistance in developing this manuscript.

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Family Process, Vol. 54, No. 2, 2015 ©2014 Family Process Institute

doi: 10.1111/famp.12100