FTC's not Wild about Whole Foods deal.

• Author: Cote, Mike
• Position: Federal Trade Commission - Column

Dear members of the Federal Trade Commission,

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I applaud your recent 5-0 decision to challenge the proposed $670 million merger between Whole Foods and Wild Oats in federal court.

A chain that would command as much as 25 percent of the natural foods market is enough to make me shudder in my baby blue Crocs. What were they thinking?

I'm already spending 11 bucks a pound at Whole Foods for nitrite-free roast beef and $3 a loaf for challah. I don't want to pay a penny more just so John Mackey can swallow up a bunch of Wild Oats stores and complete his conquest of Boulder.

Aren't most of those Wild Oats places too small to be called a Whole Foods? Keep those old Wild Oats stores as neighborhood shops where all the hippies can buy bulk wheat germ and sip fresh-squeezed carrot juice. Sure, Wild Oats got bigger with its flagship stores, but they got there too late. Tough tofu. Could you make Wild Oats split up and bring the Alfalfa's name back?

By kicking Wild Oats out of the running, you're setting the stage for someone bigger to swoop in. Wouldn't it be cool if Kroger or Safeway could cut a deal with Whole Foods? Then, when I go to Whole Foods I could buy a bottle of Tide and a refill jug of Windex and not have to make a second trip somewhere else. All they sell in the cleaning products aisle are organic concoctions that don't do squat when it comes to cleaning up cat barf on my carpet. Yeah, save the Earth, blah, blah. Give me some chemicals!

But I do love all those "natural" meats sitting pretty in the display cases just like they used to do at old-fashioned butcher shops--much better than all that shrink-wrapped stuff sitting on Styrofoam trays at the other grocery stores. So what if I have to empty my wallet to buy enough grass-fed, antibiotic-free beef for a Sunday barbecue. Just wish they hadn't gone all PETA on us and stopped selling lobster (not that I want those crustaceans to suffer before I crack open their claws and eat them).

And while we're talking merger blocking, can you shut the tap on this deal rumor between Molson Coors and Miller? We already had to suffer our homegrown brewer conspiring with those Canadians and their skunky green-bottled beer. "Hey, it's Miller Molson Coors time!" I don't think so. And where will they get Rocky Mountain...