Political Fromagerie: the Superhappy Heterosexual Evolving Robots & Neuroscientific Party--and other alternatives for your vote.

• Author: Iseli, Carl
• Position: TEN MILES SQUARE

The early emergence of so many 2008 presidential candidates is a great antidote to the malaise that typically follows midterm elections. But that means extended exposure of these mortals to the combined forces of the press, the blogosphere, and talk radio. Combine this with the most destructive forces of all--the imprecations they will launch against each other, and their own foot-shooting tendencies--and we may be left with no viable candidates by the time the election finally rolls around.

Just look at the early leaders of the Democratic Party. Questions of "Is he black enough?" are countered by "Is she man enough?" Experience is touted as a good thing--unless one has too much of it. Biden has been at it so long he's accused of being entrenched in the system. Maybe Obama should adopt a campaign slogan of "I'm too inexperienced to be part of the problem." Adding to the miasma is the innuendo over Barack's pesky middle name, Hillary's pesky last name, and Joe's pesky mouth. Good grief. What if all of the candidates are fed into the political/media meat grinder and no one emerges? What's a voter to do?

Do not despair. Hope springs in a multitude of alternatives to the two major parties. If the major-party candidates take each other out or self-destruct in the process, you're sure to find your alternative within the list at dcpoliticalreport. com. To paraphrase Sinatra, if you can't find it there, you won't find it anywhere. The choices range from the Airenson Socialist Party--whose horribly misspelled motto, "WE BELIVE IN FREEDOM, WOMANS RIGHTS, AND THE FIRST EMENMENT!," may be the reason they as yet have no "canidate"--to Party-X. (Sadly, there are no parties Y or Z, although "Z Party" would be phonetically delectable.) Somewhere among these fiches, there just has to be a party for you. Some parties, like the Libertarian National Socialist Green Party, have names that seem oxymoronic--or just plain moronic. Others, like the Solipsist Party (motto: "E Unus Unum"), make it clear that joining is a practical impossibility. It would seem logical that the Superhappy Heterosexual Evolving Robots & Neuroscienfific Party would want you to be a super-happy heterosexual, but apparently you must be a happy super-heterosexual as well, because its constitution requires that you get "a Phi), MD, and/or law degree." Still, the majority of parties are welcoming enough, if you subscribe to their beliefs...