Follow the "bright line".

• Author: Thompson, Susan Peirce
• Position: Mind & Body

"... I had my life back on track [after kicking my drug habit]. I had rebuilt trust with my family. Still, if you think we are anywhere close to a happy ending, I am guessing you have no idea what it is like to live under the tyranny of food addition...."

ONE OF MY earliest memories from childhood is being given two marshmallows. I might have been four. My parents, two avowed hippies, recently had divorced and were scraping together a living in San Francisco--he as a taxi driver, she in a small shop at Fisherman's Wharf selling imported alpaca sweaters and rugs they had discovered on their motorcycle travels through South America. They both worked long hours trying to provide for me, and this was especially true during the summer, when the shop stayed open until 9 p.m. During that time, I often was left on my own to stay with family friends on Sunshine Mesa in Colorado. I loved the horses, ponds, and fort on the side of the hill, but mostly I loved those marshmallows. I can remember the feel of them in my little hands, the powdery smell, the sunlight setting them aglow in my eagerly outstretched palms.

Before long, I realized that they lived in the cabinet--and that when the adults were out feeding the animals, I could drag a chair over to the counter, climb up, and help myself. This is my first memory of feeling compelled to eat more than I knew the adults around me would condone, and the beginning of a long journey of hiding, sneaking, and stealing food.

What they offered outright I also took full advantage of: on errand day I would jump to volunteer, slogging through a day of buying feed and standing around in the relentless heat because I knew that, at some point, we would visit a store that sold candy. One day in town, I got a finger waggled in my face and a grownup said, "You be careful, young missy. You're a sugar addict." I did not really know exactly what that was, but somehow I knew it fit.

When I was 12, I decided to go off sugar. I remember being excited about it and thinking carefully about what I would count as "sugar. Would I eat honey? Maple syrup? Yogurt with fruit on the bottom? I drew a strict line and declared that if something even tasted sweet, I would not eat it. Looking back, I now see that as my first "Bright Line." It stayed bright for longer than two months, and the main thing I remember about that time was that I felt great--totally empowered. Then one day I was pulled in by a scintillating, sugary treat.... I...