Flipping the conversation switch: how to turn on productive communication when stakes are highest.

• Author: Blodgett, John
• Position: Feature - Communication skills

Communication, conversation, dialogue--call it what you will, it's an integral part of daily business life. Much of the time, people seem to get by fine and jobs get done. It's when the stakes are highest that communication skills are most critical, yet this is when conversations most often break down. Why is it that tongues get tied and voices are raised when cool heads matter most?

Maintaining Communications "Equilibrium"

Ron McMillan, co-founder of VitalSmarts in Provo and co-author of Crucial Conversations, defines dialogue as the free-flow of meaning among people who contribute to, and take from, an overarching "pool of meaning." The goal, he says, is to keep that pool full--that is, in a state of equilibrium.

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Problems arise when the flow of information is disrupted by breakdowns in communication, which happen to the best of us. "When it matters most, we tend to do our worst," McMillan says. His research suggests that 90 percent of communication at work is routine and casual. It's when communication turns crucial in the remaining 10 percent--when stakes are high, emotions strong, opposing opinions expressed--that many people turn to bad habits.

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Many variables affect one's willingness to communicate, McMillan says. Fear is a big one, often of what others will think or do as a result of an individual's expression of thoughts or opinions. Politics is another.

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Basic physiology is also a factor, McMillan cites research that has found the brain is altered during times of strong emotion. But this human nature can be tamed. One of the best ways "to turn the brain back on" during these times of duress, McMillan says, is to effect mind over matter. "When you start feeling strong emotion, and it's an important conversation, pause and ask 'What do I really want here? What do I need to do to be effective?"' he says. "If I can recognize when [a conversation] turns, then I can pull out all my best skills. 'Let's problem solve together' becomes the attitude."

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McMillan says some people are just plain good at effective communication, whether by nature or nurture. Others are not, but he says it's a common mistake to think that these people can't learn to communicate effectively. "Most business leaders and employees think that communication is a given," McMillan says. "They just assume people can do it, or there's nothing you can do about it when someone can't."...