Fire in the sky.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Satirical comments on situations around the US - Off The Map - Column

Heavyweight champion of the world Riddick Bowe couldn't cut it in the Marines. He only made it eleven days before he was "allowed to withdraw" from Parris Island, South Carolina, because he had problems with the corps' regimented lifestyle." Yeah, right, we all know that's bull. He was just sick and tired of drill instructors asking him for his autograph, and younger, smaller recruits begging him to eat their dessert. Maybe the guy should have tried the Citadel. Shannon Faulkner lasted longer than he did and as far as we know, Riddick didn't have his shirt set on fire with nail-polish remover. We don't want just anyone serving our country, you know. The toughest part is going to be when he tries to get back in the ring. You know that other boxers are going to mock and scoff and taunt. At least the ones who can punch and talk at the same time.

?? In San Francisco, the recreation and parks commission put off its decision on whether the thirtieth anniversary summer-of-love be-In can be held in the polo fields in Golden Gate Park. Probably want to check the quality of the acid first.

Bill Clinton says, "The Lincoln Bedroom was never sold." Why, of course it wasn't. Would Holiday Inn sell off its highest-grossing room? I think not. How could he have sold it? He doesn't even own it. He's a tenant, for crum's sake. The man sublet it. On a daily basis. To anybody who could pony up fifty grand or so. What's the big deal? Are you telling me if in the house where you live there was a room that people wanted to stay in so much they gave you piles of cash, you'd turn them down? Yeah, right, and Stevie Wonder knows what people are doing to his hair. Hell, if it were me living in Maison Blanc, I'd advertise in the classifieds under Bed and Breakfasts: "Large room for rent in quaint, historic D.C. building. Hardwood floors. View. 24-hr. security. Pool. Bowling alley. Full bath. 2 blocks from Metro. No parking. Helicopter pad. In-room coffee. HBO. Laundry privileges. Garden. Gas kitchen. $75K per night. Utilities included. No pets. (202) 456-1414. Ask for Bill. We'll leave a light on for you."

?? Dan Quayle, upon receiving an award from a conservative think tank, recently told his audience in Indianapolis, `Some things are right and some things are not,' proving that when you got it, you don't lose it.

Defending himself against accusations that he may have illegally raised election funds on federal property, Bill Clinton said the opposition came up with the...