Falling in line.

• Author: Puterbaugh, Dolores T.
• Position: PARTING THOUGHTS

WHY SHOULD IT BE so hard merely to be ourselves? Fear and apathy, those evil opposites of love and compassion, interfere with living an integrated life. The integrated person's life reflects his or her values, at least most of the time, and, when there is a mismatch, the individual deliberately seeks to make changes so that there is congruency between interior values and external actions. An integrated person, when angry, acknowledges the anger, seeks to understand it, and uses that information to make changes where needed. The integrated person suffers because emotions do not always comply with morals: the choice would be to yield to the passing emotional itch and compromise integrity or be dishonest with yourself. The integrated person might have to decline certain invitations because the activity (a violent movie, a strip club, gambling) is counter to the person's values. This creates tension: others may question you, get defensive, and, from that position, become offensive. What is the matter with you? Can't you lighten up and have any fun? Oh, so you think we are a bunch of degenerates. It seems, at first glance, easier to go along to get along. In the short term, that strategy works to deflect criticism and postpone dealing with the challenge of living an integrated life. Ultimately, it is just that much cross-contamination to be cleaned up before authenticity feels like a good fit.

Exhibitionism is not the same as integration; after all, what is exhibitionism but an over-investment in being seen, in being an experience for someone else? Exhibitionists objectify themselves and the observer; the observer, at least, only is objectifying one member of the transaction. The Facebook exhibitionist posting things online that prior generations would think shameful is not being an integrated, authentic person; there is no "me" online without an audience. An integrated person needs no audience. As our grandparents might say, what you see is what you get.

Psychologist Carl Rogers postulated that three factors were essential for healing and growth in therapy: congruency, unconditional positive regard, and empathic understanding. Congruency, in this theory, is integration. Congruency is integrity and honesty. Mentally healthy people sniff out phonies easily, and lack of integrity makes trust too risky. Congruency puts others at ease and allows us to live without juggling masks or trying to remember which story is "on" at the moment.

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