Don't end up fathering by default.

• Position: Psychology - Interview

DO YOU MAKE an effort to father your son? At first glance, this seems like a ludicrous question. Didn't you provide half his genetic material? Don't you go out every day and earn a living to keep a roof over his head and food on the table? Don't you take him on vacation and attend his Little League games? However, there is a difference between being a father and actively, consciously, deliberately fathering, maintains author Stephan B. Poulter in Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You've Always Wanted to Be. Many men put more thought into how to pursue their careers than into how they influence their sons--and that can be a problem. If you do not pay attention, you will end up fathering by default--a mode that most likely was determined by your own father.

"It's not that men who are less-than-ideal fathers don't love their sons," explains Poulter. "They do love them desperately, but fathering is a learned skill, and there's much more to it than paying bills and playing an occasional game of catch in the backyard. Fathering your son means connecting with him on a deep, emotional level."

A big part of becoming a good dad, Poulter contends, has to do with exploring your relationship with your own father. He calls this process of introspection "going into the cave" Once you have confronted your past and forgiven your father--and yourself--for any sins or missteps, you can emerge from "the cave" better equipped to forge a strong, healthy bond with your own son. Poulter says there are five fundamental fathering styles and, while you may employ elements of all five, one of them will predominate:

Super Achiever. This father is a man who never received nurturing from his own dad. In order to compensate for this loss of emotional support, he develops a competitive nature that always is seeking perfection and manifests in a hypercritical outlook. This is one reason men frequently engage in cruel teasing; it is a way of unloading all the anger and self-hatred they harbor. It also is why they constantly criticize and are hostile to their sons. As fathers get in their verbal digs, spend little time with their offspring, and always demand perfection, their sons feel like losers if they are not the very best at whatever they are doing.

Time Bomb. This style is based solely on the fear factor. Authority in this house is maintained by sheer volume of emotional expression. The use of threatening language, anger, yelling, and promises of physical...