Distilling Fear

• Author: Heidi K. Brown
• Pages: 22-23

Distilling Fear

Lawyering can be scary, but that shouldn’t stop us from being

powerful advocates

By Heidi K. Brown

In the 1992 hit movie A Leagu e of Their Own, Tom

Hanks’ chara cter—a baseball coach to a women’s team

—admonishes a sobbing right fi elder and barks: “There’s

no crying in ba seball!” As a quiet law student fresh out of

college, intimidat ed by the Socratic method of classroom

teaching and other per formance-oriented events s uch as

oral arguments a nd negotiation simulations, I often heard

similar mantr as: “There’s no fear in lawyering! Just do it!”

Well-meaning mentors in the early yea rs of law practice

furthered t his ethos, prodding my fellow junior associat es

and me into stressf ul deposition scenarios or fi rst-time

courtroom ex periences with “Fake it till you make it!

Show no fear!” For years—nearly two decade s—I did just

that, pushing myself i nto trial advocacy sem inars, jump-

ing feet-fi rst into antagoni stic interactions with gr u law

fi r m partners, aggress ive opposing counsel and curt judges,

thinking there w as something wrong with me becau se I was

afraid. I worr ied I was not cut out for the law, or at least the

litigation path I had chosen, e ven though I loved and thrived

in my daily task s of researching and writ ing, thinking and

analyzing, s trategizing and problem-solving.

The belief that my fear wa s a weakness took a profound

emotional, mental and physic al toll. I spent

a good chunk of my 20s and 30s an xious

and depressed, though I ea rned great money,

paid o my s tudent loan debt, took tropical

vacations and drove a c ool sports car. I kept

doing it, faking it, push ing through, bungee

jumping into the fray and pretend ing I wasn’t

afraid. Inside, I wa s terrifi ed—all the time.

Afraid of ma king a mistake, misread ing a

contract, overlooki ng a case in my research,

proposing the wrong strate gy, faltering in a

combative deposition, missi ng the timing

of a courtroom object ion, not knowing the

immediate ans wer to a judge’s question.

My relationships and physical a nd mental

health su ered. I thought I was the only

lawyer who was pet rifi ed on a dail y basis,

and felt I couldn’t admit it to anyone. In f act,

when I did confi de inklings of trepidation

about a case I was work ing on, relatives and

colleagues quipped , “But this is the career

you chose! Just grow a thicker skin .” Legal re search

and writing bec ame my safe haven, and I threw myself

into immersive task s like brief writing. But migra ines

and stomac haches abounded.

TACKLING PUBLIC SPEAKING

When I transitioned from law pra ctice to law teaching

and noticed that my stronges t legal writing students oft en

were my quietest students a nd the most fearful of mandat ory

performance -oriented events, it hit me. As legal educ ators

and practice lea ders, we need to do a better job of talki ng

about the reality of fea r in lawyering. Instead of t elling law

students and junior asso ciates to “fake it till they ma ke it,”

and “just do what scar es you,” we need to say—out loud—that

yes, lawyering c an be scary, and some interactive s cenarios

might be more intimidating for some of us t han others.

But that does not mean we are not cut out for law prac tice

or don’t deserve to be here. Quite the c ontrary. By fi rst

acknowledging our fe ar in lawyering and then understa nding

its roots and dr ivers, we can develop and adopt practica l

strategies to d istill fear and trans form it into powerful

advocacy for others .

In thinking about wh at exactly to do about fear,

the usual mantra s come to mind: fi ght it, conquer

it, battle it, overcome it—verbs that imply t hat fear

is a blobby foe that can be knoc ked out, skirted,

stepped over. But in reality, the worr isome aspects

of doing our jobs as lawyers c annot be carted away

in a Bankers Box. Law scho ol is inherently fraught

with apprehension about grade s, the curve, mak-

ing law review, bar passage , landing a job. Law

practice likew ise ignites panic over deadl ines,

win-lose dyna mics, partnership track s. Instead,

we must learn how to dist ill fear. The verb distill

is defi ned as to “extract the essenti al meaning

or most important as pects of” something, or to

“purify (a liquid) by vaporizi ng it, then condensing

it by cooling the vapor, and collecti ng the resulting

liquid.” If we get to know the vaporous entit y of

fear that permeat es lawyering and talk about it

out loud, we can discern it s essence and transform

our emotional, mental and physic al relationship

with fear into p owerful advocacy.

22 || ABA JOURNAL JANUARY 2018

Advocacy

EDITED BY KEVIN DAVIS,

LIANE JACKSON

Practice

“VULNERABILITY

AND HONESTY

ABOUT MY FEAR ...

BECAME POWERFUL

STANCHIONS.”

—HEIDI BROWN

PHOTOGRAPH COURTESY OF BROOKLYN LAW SCHOOL